2007 January:

2006 November:

My whole life has been a fucken mockery
my parents want the best for me
but they make me feel the worst
girls my age can’t handle me
so i have to go for older
then when i am older
will i even care as much?
the friends i like i can’t hang out with
and the friends i wish i didn’t have always bug me
i am great at school but i have no interest in it
i have so much to say but how do i express myself?
my creativity only comes out
when i don’t have the time or the tools to use it
i know myself when i am alone
and i forget myself when i talk to other people
i feel trapped all time but i am actually free
and everything is just waiting
for me to make my move
all of these things hold me back
from being who i am
but why? i don’t understand, it doesn’t make sense
is there some higher being up there
just toying around with me?
amusing themselves?
laughing?
is my entire exisence based on the
entertainment of foolish gods?
with spiritual strings
they pull me about
is that my purpose?
why do i ask?
because i would like to have been born with
life long instructions
telling me what i would be best at
is it right to think it’s not fair?
i mean what can i really do?
i don’t understand okay?
i just don’t.
i just don’t fucking understand!
i just don’t get it!!
WHAT THE FUCK!!
what is there to get?
here i am, this is what i can do
but what is there to fucking do?
walk around. Oooo, that’s fun.
look at my surroundings. boring...
why am i even alive when i get along so poorly?
and where is the love? i don’t feel any love...
what does love feel like?
how will i know when i first feel love?
JESUS CHRIST MOTHER FUCKER!!!
i am totally clueless, lost in space
what the fuck is that? whoa, that’s weird...
who the fuck are you?
i’m trying to get all up in this mother fucker
but i am scared okay? i admitted it... i am scared...
i am afraid for my life... my soul...
i don’t want anything bad to fuck me up...
i want to stay all nice and comfy inside
i think people are hideous monsters... really...
i look at people and i think "whoa, ulgy fuck!"
doesn’t matter who it is... well maybe it does
some people i like to look at
those people make me feel nice inside
DON’T YOU FUCKING TELL ME TO SUCK IT UP!!
YOU CAN GET THAT MOUTH TO BUCKLE UP!!!
YOU JUDGE ME MOTHER FUCKER
AND I HATE YOU FOREVER!!!
sorry about that i am a little sensitive...
one poke and i blow... that sounded weird...
it’s just that when somebody i don’t know
tells me i am something that i don’t intend to be
i just wanna kill ’em, like a primal instinct
blinking red in my brain
[KILL THEM] [KILL THEM]
then my body automatically gets ready to slaughter
and i stop myself, screech on halt
say WHOA... let’s not be this way...
and stopping myself like that
makes me feel hurt and confused
then i just want to be alone and all fun is over...
and i get into this mental hole
and i hate everything and everyone there....
and i want the world to end...
that is just the way i am...
that is just the way i react...
am i a bitch? no really am i?
i mean for real, like in reality
does that make me a bitch?
if so then i can’t be myself
and if i’m not allowed to be myself
then what will i become?
will i become what i hate?
will the rest of my life be a FUCKING mockery too?
ARGHH!!!! GODS PLAY SUCH CRUEL GAMES!!!!