2010 June:

Through my eyes you can see my soul. My emotion can be viewed by all yet I do such a good job at hiding it.... or do I? What do you see when you look into them? A monster? A caring heart? Whatever it may be just know that it is no longer scared. Come, come now and test me. Test my fears with a lion or bear and I shall not budge. Strike towards me with a blade and I shall not stop you. Challenge my emotions with your cold hearted words and I shall say nothing.

I stare down at my body watching the water trickle down from the top of my head down my stomach and onto my thighs. It looks like a web of a spider that is confused and doesn't know where or what her destination will be. Does she build this web for her home? Possibly a family? Or does she build it to catch the innocent and naive for her next meal? A black widowed soul is misunderstood. She does it in instinct and she does it for survival. Her name is mud but she doesn't care... She'll never care, she'll just keep living with the weight of the world on her tiny shoulders.

I have the body of a peasant, and the mind of a angst filled teenager, and I've come to the point where I no longer try for perfection. Some may say this is a good thing, and yes it is. But it weakens you so much, so much that you no longer feel the need to wake up in the morning.

This season is breaking me. Why did I let it get to me? Why did I allow it to effect my mood? Am I not stronger than mother nature herself? I guess not. I guess I never will be. But then every year must I face the same fate? And why have I not learned from my mistakes? Why every time I wrong you I look back and your still there? Why is it that my evil heart so desired by friends and family. Why do you want me? Why am I still here? Why has no one rid me from their lives yet. Leave now! Before it's to late! Before I destroy your very being!