FILL HER UP, OFFICER, AND THEN I'LL LET YOU SEE MY 'WEE BIT OF PERSONAL'

I EXPECT that there will be many column inches devoted to the Home
Secretary's decision to relax the law, or whatever he's doing, on cannabis.
The word cannabis comes from the Latin: can, meaning can and na-bis meaning
of worms. That's where the word comes from; where the stuff itself comes
from, I haven't a clue. But I know a man who does.

How many phone calls would it take any of us to get hold of some? One, two
maybe? Yet we believe that our children will get through their school years
without touching the stuff, despite the statistics telling us otherwise.
Thousands of children try it every day, and I guess all you parents are
probably as thankful as I am that it happens at other schools. Ha!

I think the plan is that the police won't arrest you if they are convinced
that all the cannabis on your person is for your own private consumption.
That's where the wormy can is opened up, I reckon. How much is, as Frank
MacAvennie would say, "a wee bit of personal"? Imagine if it was alcohol we
were talking about. One man's personal might be two cans of Kestrel lager,
while another man's would be a 40-ouncer of Jack Daniels.

We could end up with the scenario where the offender is put in a cell and
made to smoke all the cannabis on his person, just to prove that it was his
natural daily intake.

What if he got stopped with a fairly sizeable stash, which he claims was
all for himself, but that he wasn't going to be going home for four or five
days? He might be heading for a fortnight's camping with his "wee bit of
personal".

The authorities might have to set aside a separate room at all major police
stations, in case they arrest more than one suspect at any given time. It
wouldn't need to be furnished, just enough space for them to sit around the
floor. Maybe an old stereo record-player in the corner with half a dozen
vinyl albums from the Seventies. Double albums preferably. And if you don't
know why, don't ask. They'd need to keep a stock of Rizzla papers and a
fridge to keep the chocolates cold.

This would be a great public/private finance initiative. If the police
forces were allowed to sell the cigarette papers and the chocolates, they
could make a fortune. In fact, for reasons I'd rather keep to myself, I've
seen around a few police stations ... they've nearly all got petrol-pumps
round the back for the squad cars. Why not redesign the stations, get the
pumps round the front, and they could start to make another fortune?
They're open 24 hours anyway!

In fact, in fact in even more of a fact, they could simply take over the
existing all-night petrol stations. They've got everything you'd want in a
modern police station. They're well lit. They've got toilets. There are
coffee machines and racks of doughnuts - albeit there might be a fight over
who gets first pick of the doughnuts. They are, after all, the staple diet
for cops over 40. There are plenty of magazines to read while you're
waiting to give your voluntary statements, and there's even more food and
drink (non-alcoholic). I was recently in a petrol station, in Scotland,
where they sold fruit for heaven's sake! There's a counter for the police
to stand behind. And - and this is the bit that even I think is smart -
where do cannabis smokers invariably end up when they've got the munchies
in the middle of the night? That's right. At the all-night petrol station.

The country could save money by not sending police officers out on the beat
at night looking for cannabis smokers. The petrol/police station would be
like WP Kinsella's Field of Dreams: "Build it, they will come." Do away
with the silly wee hatch affair that you have to crouch to shout your
orders through. Open the main door and the offenders will march right in.
Well, amble slowly, to be more accurate.

If we nationalise the petrol stations in the name of the law, then we
wouldn't even need to change the signs at many of them. BP could be British
Police. Esso could be an abbreviation for Essentially Officers. And Shell
... well, we could just add the word Suit underneath and that would attract
exactly the kind of person that the cops are looking for to assist them
with their inquiries. It's that simple.

It's not often that I have these flights of fancy, and you're maybe
wondering if I'm on anything myself. Only coffee and sleep deprivation. And
there's no law against that.