WATERMELON VERSUS THE WORLD

Watermelon the Weed Diva, a curvaceous celebrity among nudists in Vancouver
and stoners around the world, was arrested on Sept. 8 and charged with two
counts of trafficking in a controlled substance.

While the incident was never exactly stop-the-presses, front-page news, it
probably would have elicited at least a few more mentions in local papers
had the World Trade Center not been bombed three days later. The
28-year-old standup comic with the Betty Page good looks is, after all, the
only Vancouverite in history to have graced the cover of High Times,
magazine of proud pot smokers, on three separate occasions.

"It kind of sucked because it completely overshadowed my arrest," the
28-year-old Wreck Beach poster girl says of the Trade Center tragedy (no
self-involvement here), as she prepared for her arraignment, which took
place last week. (She pleaded not guilty, and a trial date is to be set
this week.)

Never one to let freedom oppressors -- be it the RCMP or Middle East
terrorists -- stand in her way, Watermelon is making the best out of two
adverse situations by mining them both for new material.

"I'm going to head for the hills, eat dehydrated foods and wipe my ass with
the arrest warrant," Watermelon joked in one of her improvisational
sketches during a recent seven-night resurrection of The Pink Show.

Watermelon is well-known on the Vancouver comedy circuit for her
no-holds-barred sensibility. This summer, she was the only woman invited to
perform in the Hard Core Comedy segment of the Vancouver International
Comedy Festival. And her performance with the Electric Caesar Salad sketch
troupe at last year's Fringe Festival was "as salty as a bucketful of
anchovies," said The Vancouver Sun's Malcolm Parry.

The Pink Show, however, is her first long-running hit. The raunchy,
rollicking, constantly changing variety show -- featuring guest standups, a
Marijuana Madness slide show, Narcissistic News, a howling male burlesque
dancer in a Goldilocks wig, and Satan the shadow puppet -- was Vancouver's
underground smash of the summer.

Every week, dozens of people had to be turned away from the small Cavern
Theatre in the city's east end. The prospect of seeing Watermelon
roller-skating around the small, smoky theatre in pasties and frilly
panties was an undeniable draw.

But The Pink Show earned a good part of its cult following on the strength
of Watermelon's co-host, Christine Taylor, another local celebrity with a
subversively smart sense of humour, who got her start in St. John's
performing with the casts of Codco and This Hour Has 22 Minutes. The babes
hope to mount The Pink Show again in the new year.

In the meantime, Watermelon isn't losing very much sleep over her arrest.
"The worst thing it did," she says, "was hinder my tan." She does, however,
blame the arrest for the much lower audience turnout at this month's
week-long run. "The cops rezoned me from the beach," she points out. "I
couldn't do my usual promotion because I can't go anywhere near it. That
ban has to be lifted. I mean, that's where I go to worship."

On Sept. 8, Watermelon was handing out cookies to the faithful congregation
at her so-called Church of Wreck Beach, the infamous stretch of
nude-bathing shoreline that sits just below the cliffs of the University of
British Columbia. "They were gingersnaps," she insists defiantly.

When an RCMP officer from the UBC detachment made the arrest and tried to
lead Watermelon away, 50 naked sunbathers leapt to her defence and chased
the officer, a handcuffed Watermelon in tow, up the long stairwell to the
main road, in a fist-shaking frenzy. "In some ways, it was the best day of
my life," says Watermelon, who has been a vendor and regular fixture on the
beach for several years. "My community stood up and supported me."

Members of the Wreck Beach Preservation Society believe the RCMP is in
cahoots with the university. Together, Watermelon claims, they're trying to
break up the group of vocal activists by clamping down on key figures, so
that the university can build road access through the beach. "I also think
the arresting officer -- we call him Napoleon -- has a bit of a crush on
me," she adds.

The arresting officer was not available for comment.

So long as the court proceedings don't get in her way, Watermelon will be
heading to the Cannabis Cup in Amsterdam next month. She's been asked to
emcee the ceremonies for the second year in a row. The BBC, meanwhile, had
been courting Watermelon for a segment in a travel show, but the producers
recently backed out, she says with a sigh, because it was getting too late
in the season and "they realized they couldn't get me naked."

She's also planning to cook up an Internet baking show. "It won't
necessarily just be about cooking with weed," she notes. "One of my
favourite things to do is get high and bake. I find it very therapeutic."

And if the war continues for much longer, Watermelon says she might try to
volunteer as an entertainer for the troops. The daughter of a Canadian
fighter pilot, she grew up on army bases around the country, and says
recent global events have made her question her life's mission.

"There's all this talk about the fight for freedom," she says. "Whoa, I've
been doing that all along. I still believe I should have the right to get
naked at the beach and smoke pot and do whatever I want with my body. But
it does seem sort of frivolous now."