GRANNY ON WEED, BUT THEN AGAIN

Fancy meeting a grandma who grows cannabis in her wardrobe?

I JUST read a report about a grandmother in England who was recently
charged with growing cannabis in her home. I don't know about you, but
there are certain activities that I usually associate with pensioners,
and growing weed isn't one of them.

The grandmother of my childhood didn't even smoke or drink, never mind
grow marijuana in her wardrobe. I'm not sure if she would even have
recognised the distinctive leaves of the cannabis plant had she
stumbled upon a specimen growing in her back garden.

As far as I'm aware, my maternal grandmother never did anything
illegal in her life. Indeed, she was the sort of woman who would point
at pictures of criminals in the newspaper and say things like, "See!
Crime doesn't pay." Or, "This is what happens when you don't study
hard." Or, "Ooh, doesn't he look like a real bad sort?"

I remember her as a matronly woman who smelled of lavender, wore her
spectacles on a chain around her neck, spent endless hours in the
kitchen cooking cannabis-free dishes, and equally as many hours
immersed in her vast book collection. She was definitely not the sort
to sprinkle powdered cannabis into her bedtime cup of cocoa; or invite
friends around to share her steak and weed pie; or announce to the
world that she was writing a book called Grandma Eats Cannabis.

As far as I'm aware, my grandmother also never suffered from any
serious illness, or chronic pain brought on by either an accident or
regular wear and tear. She seemed hail and hearty until the day she
dropped dead from a coronary thrombosis. One minute she was here, all
cheerful and law-abiding, and the next she was gone.

Of course, if my grandmother had suffered from the sort of chronic
pain that Patricia Tabram, the 68-year-old woman who was arrested
twice for growing cannabis in her home, suffers from, day in and day
out, she might have taken anything (legal or otherwise) to ease her
suffering.

Patricia, who was first found guilty of growing and possessing
cannabis in 2005 and given a suspended six-month sentence, was
recently taken back to court when, acting on a tip-off, police found
four plants growing in her wardrobe and a jar of powdered cannabis
next to her cooker.

At the time of her first arrest, Patricia had more than 30 cannabis
plants in her home. She was also a member of a cookery club whose
members recommended adding cannabis to recipes for "medicinal
purposes". Popular dishes included chicken and leek pie, lemon
cheesecake, and that perennial favourite - chocolate cake.

Throughout both of Patricia's court cases (she was ordered to perform
250 hours' unpaid community service and pay a fine at the recent
conclusion of her second trial), she continued taking the drug, which
was ingested five times a day via casseroles, soups, curries, biscuits
and drinks.

The pensioner told the jury that she needs to take cannabis to relieve
the intense pain in her neck and back - the result of two car accidents.

Of course, there are prescribed medications that could help Patricia's
condition. However, many of the pharmaceutical drugs available to her
on the British National Health Service come with a litany of side
effects, including dizziness, rashes, bruises and depression.

One of the major side effects of cannabis is a loss of short-term
memory. But Patricia feels she already had short-term memory problems
before she even started taking the drug.

This case has garnered so much public sympathy that even the police
have refused to take away the contents of Patricia's freezer, which,
by her own admission, include many dishes containing cannabis. The
officers just didn't want to be responsible for depriving the old dear
of food.

I'm not sure what the repercussions of this will be. Patricia has
obviously been given a licence of sorts to continue using cannabis.
And if the authorities turn a blind eye to her, what's to stop other
old people from adding some powdered cannabis to their bedtime drinks,
just to give them a little lift at the end of a difficult day?

Before you know it, people of all ages will be using it for the least
little ache or pain, morning, noon and night. Productivity will
decline, and writing will become increasingly difficult.

Fact in, I might find it impossibly to properly rite.