Series: The Drug Issue: Part 7 Of 13

FAMILY MATTERS

When someone has a drug addiction, the whole family suffers financially and
emotionally, according to staff at Ishtar Transition House.

He was a good man. He loved his wife, doted on his children, and deeply
cared for his family.

She loved him and trusted him. Sometimes she still does, when she catches a
glimpse of the person he used to be.

Other times, she is scared, for herself and for her kids.

At the end of the day, the children don't know who is going to walk in the
door: the daddy who loves them, or the angry, volatile man he has become.

Every year, shelter, support, and counselling is offered to dozens of women
at Langley's Ishtar Transition House. The facility - the oldest one of its
kind on the continent - is a safe haven for women and their children who
are leaving abusive relationships.

At Ishtar, women aren't told what to do. They are educated, informed of
options, and provided with resources.

At Ishtar, they can tell their stories to people who care.

According to House manager Dayna Driscoll, it is not uncommon to hear
abused women say that their spouses are addicted to heroine, cocaine, or
marijuana.

"When people are using substances, their behaviors can change
dramatically," said Driscoll. "You are chemically altering your body. That
will make you change."

"You don't know what a person using drugs will do," she added. "They are
not predictable."

Drug addictions can take a toll on a family financially and emotionally.

On a practical level, money that is being spent on drugs is taking away
from the household budget. It is hard to pay the rent, buy groceries, or
pay bills if the money has been used up elsewhere.

And that means the children will not receive the care they need.

In such instances, the mother will "go into survival mode," to try to
provide for her family as best she can, said Driscoll.

But the issue gets complicated emotionally because of the love, guilt, and
confusion involved.

Often, the man will come back and say he's sorry, and that he will not use
again.

"She will want to believe him," said Driscoll. "Women want their marriage
to work, want their children to be with their father."

"When he's not using drugs, he's the best man in the world," she said. The
problem is, "When you are addicted to anything, that's where your focus in
life is."

When a person's personality is altered by drug abuse, the natural reaction
of the people who love him is to try to get him to stop.

But according to Driscoll, a user will only stop when he wants to. Begging,
threatening, pleading, and nagging won't help, because the addict has to
want to stop.

It is a decision only he can make.

"Women need to realize they are not able to change their partner," said
Driscoll. "You can't change somebody else. What that person needs is help
to get to the root of the addiction."

"You can't do that as a wife or partner," she said. "He has to want to
change before the change can even begin."

Because the partner is not in control of the situation, she can be left
feeling helpless and confused.

So too, can the couple's children.

"As a small child, they don't know who that man is going to be as he walks
through the door," Driscoll said. "Is he going to be loving and caring, or
angry and upset?"

When they live with a drug addict, "There is no stability in a child's
life," she added. "They need to feel safe to develop and grow."

The good news is that Ishtar Transition House has seen many, many happy
endings to such stories.

In some cases, the couple will reconcile, if the man is willing to deal
with his drug addiction, or whatever else is causing his abusive behavior.

The transition house also gets a lot of updates from women who have moved
on and left their abusive situation to start a new life with their children.

"We see many women who have come through the House who start fresh with
life on their own," Driscoll said. "We love getting those calls."

Ishtar Transition House has a 24-hour crisis counselling line that women in
need can call. The number is 604-530-9442.