FEDS SUFFER FROM REEFER MADNESS

And now for something completely different, to borrow a phrase from Monty
Python.

The three earnest young men burdened with plastic bags came to the office
bearing food. Pretzels with seeds. A snack bar. An energy bar. Tortilla chips.

Never mind the caloric sin. We're talking serious evil here. Or so the
government says.

Unless you are an avid reader of the Federal Register and perused the tiny
print of almost undecipherable bureaucratese on pages 51539 through 51544,
you might have missed it - but the government has returned to normal.

The Drug Enforcement Administration, under the direction of Asa Hutchinson,
the former GOP congressman from Arkansas, has announced rules to ban
certain brands of a wide variety of foods -"beer, cheese, coffee, corn
chips, energy drink, flour, ice cream, snack bars, salad oil, soda and
veggie burgers" - if they contain trace amounts of THC.

THC, as those who came of age in the 1960s know well, is
tetrahydrocannabinol. As the DEA succinctly explains: "That's the
hallucinogenic substance in marijuana that causes the psychoactive effect
or high."

The THC found in certain brands of the above-mentioned food comes from
hempseeds and hempseed oil, popular with some "natural food" manufacturers
because they are high in protein and serve as a fatty acid supplement -
"good fats" that doctors like.

But the DEA says such foods are now controlled substances illegal for everyone.

Makers of foods with hempseeds or oil, with $5 million in annual sales,
argue that the amount of THC is so infinitesimal that only inhumanly high
consumption of them would be required to get high.

They liken it to getting a buzz from eating the opiate-containing poppy
seeds on bagels or the alcohol in orange juice.

But the Controlled Substances Act says any consumption of THC is forbidden
and any food that contains it is no longer to be sold, distributed or eaten.

Says the DEA: "If you wish to err on the side of caution, you may freely
dispose of the product. As stated in the rules that DEA published on Oct.
9, 2001, anyone who has purchased a food or beverage product that contains
THC has 120 days (until Feb. 6, 2002) to dispose of the product without
penalty under federal law."

After Feb. 6, it will be illegal to sell or import any hemp-containing foods.

The DEA, in its wisdom, notes that birdseed with cannabis seeds, clothing
such as hats, shirt and shoes, cosmetics, lotion, paper, rope, twine,
shampoo and soap, which also can contain hemp, are not illegal.

"Based on the information currently available, DEA believes that (such
products) do not cause THC to enter the human body and are therefore legal."

Confronted with the thought that the government is investing time, money
and energy in such a campaign during a time of war is, possibly, ridiculous,

Not surprisingly, supporters of food with hempseed oil have gone to court,
beseeching the U.S. Court of Appeals for the 9th Circuit to block the DEA rule.

The DEA says it is permitted to issue the ban on THC-laced products without
a formal rule-making procedure although the public may comment until Dec. 10.

"It's like the judge announcing the verdict before the trial," complained
John Young, a lawyer for the hemp-food lawsuit, to the National Law Journal.

Groups that are applauding the DEA action, such as the conservative Family
Research Council, say food with hempseeds sends a pro-drug message to
children and is camouflage for a campaign to legalize marijuana.

The other day, confronted by a man in Florida who said the government was
not responding to his needs, George W. Bush muttered, "I can't stand
bureaucracy."

Bush remembered that the cameras were rolling and said he appreciated "the
hard-working people who care enough to work for the government. But what I
don't like is systems that get so cumbersome that those who are trying to
help you don't get the product out."

In the course of writing this column, I have munched on the 120- calorie
corn chips, the 220-calorie pretzels and the 170-calorie snack bar. In
truth, I feel nothing but my waistband.

And a curious desire to watch "Monty Python's Flying Circus."