GET YOUR FILL OF HEMP WHILE IT'S STILL LEGAL

As I sit here writing this, I'm gnawing on a Ruth's Hemp & Trail Creative
Energy Bar.

That's right, Cheech, I'm eating pot seeds at my desk in the interest of
scientific research. I want to see if I can finish the whole column without
forgetting the topic or drifting away in search of Pink Floyd and Oreos.

As of Feb. 6, possessing this same bar will be a federal crime. The Drug
Enforcement Administration has decided that it's not spending enough energy
and money already chasing after people with marijuana.

Hemp refers to the stalk and sterilized seeds of the cannabis plant. Even
though hemp food products contain negligible levels of THC, the
get-you-stoned ingredient in pot, your government now is classifying such
goodies as hemp coffee, salad oil, veggie burgers and even hemp beer
("tastes great . . . less filling . . . causes and quenches cottonmouth
with every swig") as Schedule 1 controlled substances.

Hemp shampoo will remain legal unless you're drinking it. You also may
continue to feed hemp seed mixtures to the birds that you've come to enjoy
watching fly sideways. For now, hemp clothing and those popular bracelets
and necklaces may be worn without fear of incarceration.

When I called the DEA to ask if this was as preposterous as it seems, I was
referred to their Web site. Under frequently asked questions, I couldn't
find, "Is this as preposterous as it seems?"

But here's a quote from DEA Administrator Asa Hutchinson: "Many Americans
do not know that hemp and marijuana are both parts of the same plant and
that hemp cannot be produced without producing marijuana." To drive home
this point, the Web site includes photographs of what appears to be killer
weed, some real High Times centerfolds.

So far I'm not feeling any effects from this hemp bar, except a vague
desire to throw it away and get some real food. This must be an extremely
healthy snack because it tastes lousy.

Or maybe I have a psychological block to swallowing stuff that looks like
it was vacuumed from the shag carpet after parties I heard about but, of
course, never attended in the 1970s.

Takin' It To The Streets

I got the energy bar from a group of college students - and one middle-aged
insurance company worker carrying a sign saying "Let me eat hemp" - who
spent their lunch hour the other day protesting the ban outside a building
at State and Water streets where the DEA spends its days thinking up rules
like this.

This should come as encouraging news to the DEA: It's tough to give away
hemp snacks and even tougher to get people to eat them on the spot, even
though hemp supposedly is high in essential and yummy fatty acids. Most
people just said no.

"It doesn't suck," said Tracy Sperl, 44, the only person I saw who took a
bite. "But if I had my choice between this and a chocolate-chip cookie, I'd
take the chocolate-chip cookie."

She was not impressed by hemp among the ingredients. "You can get it at
Pick 'n Save. They have an organic food section," she said.

The Pick 'n Save corporate office didn't return my call to verify this. But
if you see armed government agents massing in one of their stores after
Feb. 6, you might want to toss the hemp oil out of your cart and refrain
from giggling.

The earnest young people on the street were members of Students for a
Sensible Drug Policy at UW-Milwaukee. They were exercising their
free-speech rights as part of a nationwide day of action to challenge the
DEA ban.

The government might just as well outlaw poppy-seed rolls and orange juice,
which contain trace amounts of opiates and alcohol, respectively, the
students said. The ban will hurt those who make their living in the rapidly
growing hemp food industry and their customers.

Amid war and terrorism fears, you may not care much about this issue. But
if I put this uneaten half of a Hemp & Trail Bar in my desk drawer and
forget about it till February, I could wind up in federal prison, where
they probably don't even have Oreos.