PARENTAL GUIDANCE

Standing Tall Deserves Standing Ovation

Over the past few months, many parents have asked advice about teen-agers
who are smoking pot, using hallucinogens and/or drinking. Typically, the
parents tell me they've tried "everything," but nothing has worked. In
these parents' minds, a parental response qualifies as having "worked" only
if it ends the problem. That's a tall order. Not unrealistic, mind you,
because lots of teens have stopped substance abuse. But a tall order
requires parents who will stand tall and be willing to stand tall for as
long as it takes. But some teens are unimpressed by parents who stand tall,
no matter how long or tall they stand.

This is why I recommend that parents modify their objective. Instead of
trying to get the child to stop using intoxicants, I recommend they simply
try to help the child understand that choices result in consequences. On a
scale of one to 10, with 10 being the worst choice a teen- ager can
possibly make, this sort of self-destructive behavior is a nine. Therefore,
the consequence must be at least a nine, with 10 being the worst
consequence the teen can imagine.

Unfortunately, some parents will go no further than hand-wringing. When I
suggest a consequence to the ninth power, some parents just look at me like
I'm nuts. Or they tell me why they can't go that far. For example, when I
suggested to the parents of a 16-year-old drug user that they sell his car,
they stared at me a few moments, and then the mom told me that selling his
car would inconvenience her.

Never mind that she drove him around for 16 years and that there are such
things as school buses. Driving him now is an inconvenience. Never mind,
too, that it is completely unconscionable to let a child behind the wheel
of a car when said child is known to use drugs and alcohol.

How about turning the child and the evidence over to the police? Another
set of hand-wringers told me they "couldn't do that." In a roundabout way,
they confessed fear that their daughter might resent them for life. Unsaid,
but what I suspect, is they also fear social embarrassment. Their primary
concern is their reputation. They wish she'd stop, but wishing and
hand-wringing are as far as they're willing to go. Perhaps David
Copperfield can help them.

Occasionally, my spirits are lifted by stories of parents who are willing
to stand tall, go the distance, fight the good fight -- parents who are
willing to force reality on children who want no part of it. One such
couple discovered that their 16-year-old son was using pot. They found the
evidence in his room and his car. They informed him of their find. He
promised to stop. Several weeks later, they found more evidence. They
impounded his car and removed a part that is essential to ignition.

To get his car back, he had to stop all association with three accomplices,
bring his grades up to their pre-drug level, and submit to weekly drug
testing. If he managed to stay clean (of said accomplices and drugs) for a
month, he would get his car back but would still have to submit to random
drug tests and maintain good grades. He got his car back. One week later,
he came home smelling of pot.

The parents said nothing. The next day, they checked with the school
counselor and discovered he was again eating lunch with a certain criminal
crowd. The parents seized his car from the school parking lot, drove it to
a used-car dealer and sold it. Can you imagine his shock?

Said prodigal is in month two of his new life, and all seems to be going
well. In any case, he has learned that his parents will not fool around
with this issue. They will not wish and wring their hands. They will stand
tall and continue to do so for as long as it takes. I invite you to join me
in giving them a standing ovation.