TRUST IS UP IN SMOKE FOR SON-IN-LAW SITTER

DEAR ANN I recently spent a long weekend at a resort and asked my oldest,
married daughter to look after her two teen-age siblings. She and her
husband said they would be happy to stay with my children -- no problem.
When I returned home, my 15- year-old confided that my son-in-law offered
her marijuana while he was baby-sitting. (He apparently didn't offer any to
my 13-year-old son.) She declined his offer but felt uncomfortable and
ended up staying at a girlfriend's house. She swore me to secrecy and
begged me not to mention this to him because she does not want to create a
family problem.

Ann, this man has a preteen son. He also volunteers as a soccer coach at
the local high school. What kind of influence is he on these youngsters? I
am worried sick about what could happen and furious that he would offer my
daughter drugs in my own home.

I don't want to betray my daughter's confidence, but I also don't want him
to get away with this. What should I do? In Need of Guidance in St.
Petersburg, Fla.

DEAR IN NEED This is no apology for what your son-in-law, the part-time
soccer coach/baby-sitter, did. He is getting no pass from me, but try to
understand that people of another generation do not consider marijuana a
"drug" -- they view it as harmless recreation, similar to having a beer.
This is not my opinion, but I am giving your son-in-law the benefit of the
doubt. Let's say he was immature and thoughtless, but I doubt that he was
attempting to become a drug source for your daughter. Nonetheless,
marijuana is illegal, and offering it to a teen-age girl is completely
irresponsible. Thank heavens your daughter had the good sense to turn him down.

Your son-in-law was clearly out of line, and you should let him know it.
Don't worry about creating a "family problem." You already have one. Also,
I hope you realize this man is not an appropriate baby sitter. Under no
circumstances should you ask him to help out again.