LOOK OUT BELOW FOR BIG 'OL PIPE

There is a big ol' sewage pipe that sits underneath I-195 in Hamilton, and
the pipe is rotting. Hamilton officials have known about this since January
2000. They don't plan on fixing the $600,000 problem until 2004, at the
earliest. Oh, by the way, the engineering firm hired by Hamilton to inspect
the pipe warns in their report that if the pipe is not fixed, "catastrophic
consequences" will occur. Um, what are we waiting for, then, Hamilton? I
say we clean up this little mess before a Miata meets sediment.

I'M A SURVIVOR

Congrats to Ethan Zohn, the pro soccer player who won a cool million on
"Survivor 3." As an aside, if I had his hair, the chicks would dig me.

NEW HOPE & COKE

Cops busted up a six-man cocaine ring in New Hope and claim the alleged
dealers plied their trade at area gay clubs. It's like Studio 54 all over
again, folks. Next thing you know, Donna Summer will be teaming up with Creed.

NEEDLES FOR JUNKIES

That's what Gov.-elect Jim McGreevey wants to provide. To that, I say,
"It's about time." On the other hand, I think it's a lousy idea. I don't
know. I'm torn on the issue. I'm just waiting for the day when marijuana is
legalized. Not that I'd ever, ever, ever consider smoking it, but I just
don't think it should be illegal. Do you? Hey! You! Do you? Answer me! What
are you, stoned? C'mon!

LATER, MIKE

That's what Juanita Jordan, Michael Jordan's wife, is saying. She's filed
for divorce -- and is asking for almost half of Jordan's fortune. Oh, I'm
sure she deserves it. All the cooking and cleaning she did over the years.

POMPOM PEEPERS

In shocking news, dozens of former Philadelphia Eagles cheerleaders are
accusing in a lawsuit that visiting teams peeped on them while they
showered and dressed. Horrible! Well, not really, but I bet this will be
one well-attended trial.

WELCOME,

MORGAN KAY

Lisa Beamer gave birth to healthy baby girl last week. Mother and child are
doing well. A nation celebrates.

WHAT WHAT WHAT???

Charlie Sheen is getting married to Denise Richards. She was a Bond girl.
He was a client of Heidi Fleiss. She was in Wild Things. He was a wild
thing. He's lucky. I'm jealous.