He Said She Said

SHOULD POT-PUFFING PRINCE HARRY BE PROSECUTED IF THE EVIDENCE WARRANTS IT?

By LYN COCKBURN -- Winnipeg Sun

Y - A - W - N and ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. Those are the sounds of anybody with
an ounce of sense -- or marijuana -- reacting to the news that Prince
Harry, 17, has fessed up to smoking some dope and downing some beer.

The British tabloids would, of course, have us believe this is on par
with the Brits having lost the Raj or Harry's Great Uncle Eddie having
abdicated.

It's called royal watching and it's nowhere near as interesting as the
fact that Sammy Sosa, one of my two cats, tries to scrub my face with
his sandpaper tongue every morning. Gets me out of bed in a hurry,
I'll tell you.

If that's all Harry has done, his dad, Prince Chuck of the Ears, can
breathe a very British sigh of relief. For after all, was not young
Harry named after his Great to the 27ish power Uncle Harry -- more
formally known as Henry VIII, who lopped off various heads, got very
fat and syphilis if not gonorrhoea.

For example, unlike his ancient relative, Harry has not killed
anybody, gotten, that we know of, any unmentionable diseases, forced
himself upon various women, become an obese glutton. Nor has he, at
this writing, attempted to play the lute, write poetry or start a new
religion -- all sins that were committed by Hank 8.

And unlike some of his more modern inlaws, he has not permitted a mere
commoner to suck his toes. Hopefully he will stick instead, to smoking
a little weed and drinking a pint or two.

Yet Ross, when he finally (somewhere in his last paragraph) gets
around to discussing the topic at hand, would have Harry in the Tower,
drawn, quartered, guillotined, axed, gassed and electrocuted, not to
mention hanged. Largely, I gather, because Harry is rich and
privileged. As if other less fortunate teens are severely punished --
or ought to be -- for similar misdemeanours. The police in most
countries, and quite rightly so, are usually too busy to bother with
kids who happen to be smoking a joint.

Otherwise, some 52%of British youth, according to a recent survey,
would be in chains along with young Hank. In Canada, some 37% of teens
smoke pot regularly (according to a study conducted in 2000) while an
even larger number experiment with drugs on a short term basis out of
curiosity or the obligatory teen need to show some signs of rebellion.

On the other hand, jailing Harry and 52% of the kids in Britain as
well as the innumerable kids in Canada who smoke dope would certainly
give a boost to the construction industry. Imagine the number of jails
we'd have to construct in order to house all these criminal teens. In
the post 9/11 world, as economies around the world struggle to
reinvent themselves, such motivating factors as the building of an
extra say, 2,002 jails would assuredly be a boon.

Then there's the psychological factor inherent in this royal
catastrophe. Last week CNN's Larry King interviewed the director of
the drug rehabilitation centre to which Daddy sent Harry. Larry
burbled on about the concept of "scaring kids straight" while the
British chap looked on in some bewilderment. The Brit then explained
that Harry's visit was intended to be educational rather than punitive
and that all in all, don't you know, it rather worked and we don't
really do that "boot camp" sort of thing here.

I should hope not. All we need are more adults, like Larry and Ross,
who get all weird about kids experimenting with pot and booze. There
was no violence in Harry's little peccadillo, nobody got hurt, nobody
drove a car while stoned.

As for Prince Charles confronting his son, that's good -- too bad it
couldn't have been kept private. Not in Britain where royal watching
is a sport almost more popular than fox hunting.

But speaking of Chuck, I am far more disgusted with some of his
previous actions -- accomplished while he was an adult -- than I ever
could be with his 17-year-old son. It was the adult Charles who
married the barely out-of-her-teens Diana when he knew his heart was
elsewhere.

Too bad nobody thought to send Chuck to visit rehab centre which deals
with insensitivity and false advertising.

In the meantime, let's leave Harry alone.

By ROSS McLENNAN -- Winnipeg Sun

Remember Biggus Dickus? Oops ... Conventional journalistic wisdom
dictates that starting a column with a question is a no-no.

If the reader doesn't know the answer, there's a good chance he'll
mutter, "No," and turn to another story.

If he does know the answer, he could mumble, "Yes," and turn to
another story.

Either way, the theory goes, you lose him.

To which I respond:

Who cares?

I get paid whether he reads this stuff or not.

So ...

Remember Biggus Dickus?

Biggus Dickus was a friend of the Roman governor Pilate in the Monty
Python movie The Life of Brian. Every time Pilate said his name, the
Roman soldiers would laugh, and Pilate never understood why.

I thought of Biggus Dickus when I read about Prince Harry's problems
with booze and dope.

From now on, every time the prince is addressed as Your Highness,
somebody behind his back is going to laugh.

BUTLER: May I present Sir Winthrop Cacklebutt, Your
Highness.

FIRST COURTIER (standing behind the prince): Oh, yeah ... Your
Highness -- Hee, hee. (He pinches his thumb and forefinger together,
presses them against his lips and makes a loud sucking sound) Your
Highness ... Wooga, wooga!

CACKLEBUTT: I am honoured to meet you, Your Highness.

SECOND COURTIER (also standing behind the prince): Right ... Your
Highness ... Hee, hee ... Oh, hey, man, I guess the toke's on you ...

PRINCE (Turning suddenly and seeing the First Courtier tracing circles
in the air next to the side of his head with his finger and rolling
his eyes): All right! Just why is this so funny? What are you doing,
Geoffrey?

FIRST COURTIER: Nothing, Your Highness (Snicker). Nothing at
all.

PRINCE: I apologize, Mr. Cackletbutt. It is so difficult to find good
courtiers these days.

CACKLEBUTT: It's quite all right, Your Highness ... Oh ... Highness
... I see ... Ho, ho, ho ... yes ... haw, haw, haw ... I see ...

PRINCE (stamping his foot): Now everybody's laughing. And nobody will
tell me why. I'm going to tell Grandma about this ... You'll be sorry
... Nigel, pull your tongue back into your mouth and straighten your
head ... stop acting like such a --

SECOND COURTIER: Such a what, Your Highness ... Such a Biggus
Dickus?

Prince Charles sent Harry to a London rehab centre to rap with serious
victims of substance abuse. Meanwhile, the police say they are looking
into whether the evidence would support laying charges against Harry.

Some people think the prince should not be subject to any further
punishment, including Lyn Cockburn.

That's not surprising, considering Cockburn keeps insisting she's
really the Queen.

Frankly, it's wearing a little thin.

For one thing, everybody's tired of stepping on the bits of
beer-bottle glass that keep falling out of her cardboard tiara. And
all that shrieking about having to approach her "on bended knee"
doesn't go down well with a lot of people, especially the publisher.

Like so many people, Cockburn sees Harry as a poor little rich boy, a
pathetic little chap trying to deal with the fact his mother died when
he was only 12.

Then, of course, there's the crushing knowledge he probably won't be
king.

Still, that's a harsh reality most of us have to bear, and under far
less pleasant living conditions than Harry enjoys.

Nevertheless, it's a very sad story and one that should be told to
orphans the world over to remind them they aren't alone in their
misery. But why should this bird in a gilded cage escape the same fate
handed out to the rest of us pigeons?

I say the prince should be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law
- -- even if it means sending him to jail ...

"Hello, I'm Prince Harry. Who are you?"

"They call me Biggus Dickus."

"Golly ... they might as well have sent me straight back to
Eton."