CALIFANO'S DRINKING 'CRISIS'

In physics, every action has an equal and opposite reaction.

But in American politics, over-reaction seems much more commonplace.
A few isolated incidents, a couple of high-profile random acts and
suddenly there's an "epidemic" or "crisis" we never noticed before,
and which naturally requires our immediate attention and a new
federal program. The latest voguish "epidemic"? Underage and
so-called binge drinking.

Joseph Califano, the Carter-era secretary of health, education and
welfare, and an outfit he presides over called the National Center on
Addiction and Substance Abuse issued frantic "clarion calls" earlier
this week for "national mobilization" to combat what they say is the
pickling of American youth.

Mr. Califano and his little group initially claimed that underage
drinkers account for 25 percent of all alcohol consumption in the
United States each year. The group also said that - gulp - 81 percent
of high school students have sampled rum or beer at some point -
although how this fact equates with rampant boozing is not fully
elucidated.

And speaking of elucidation, the Distilled Spirits Council of the
United States did some actual math based on Mr. Califano's numbers
and found that for the 25 percent figure to be valid, "each American
teen- ager and young adult who illegally drinks alcohol would have to
consume 120 drinks per month," or the equivalent of four drinks per
day, every day. W.C. Fields would be proud.

But if that all seems a tick improbable to you, imagine how
improbable it must seem to the parents of all these young tipplers,
who somehow manage to go about their daily lives fairly schnockered
without any untoward symptoms.

In other words, no one seems to notice that pretty much all the kids
are drunk. "It looks like Mr. Califano (and his group) have adopted
Enron's accounting practices," suggested Phil Lynch, a spokesman for
the company that produces Jack Daniels whiskey.

The Distilled Spirits Council bluntly called the claims "flat out wrong."

Mr. Califano and his National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse
eventually admitted their mathematical errors.

While some young people do indeed misuse alcohol and binge-drinking
is a problem for some children, there is no all-encompassing "crisis"
as portrayed by Mr. Califano, and no need for a "clarion call," let
alone "national mobilization." Mr. Califano, it seems, is an
ex-bureaucrat in search of a mission - and there's nothing more
dangerous than a Don Quixote looking for windmills to tilt at.