DRUG ADDICTION REVEALED: DARK, DESPAIRING WORLD

Saga Of 10-Year Heroin Habit Is Lesson For All

Growing Grip Of Narcotics Probably A Result Of Economic Difficulty, Family
Disintegration And Disempowerment In Postwar Era

It took a 10-year affair with heroin, an overdose that nearly took his life
and two years of rehabilitation for Fads* to recognize his feeling of
alienation and admit he was an addict.

The saga of this 27-year-old is that of a growing number of young Lebanese
who have ended up in the tight grip of narcotics, presumably to alleviate
feelings of anxiety from growing economic difficulties, family
disintegration and disempowerment which prevail in the country's postwar
period.

His daily experience as an addict was that of anyone who abuses heroin,
which is made from opium poppy seeds, usually comes in a brown powdery
form, is taken by inhalation or intravenously and is notorious for its
highly addictive quality.

"Once you've tried heroin, it's extremely difficult to go back. Hash
becomes nothing," Fads told The Daily Star during an interview last month.

As a troubled adolescent struggling with growing pains and psychological
trauma, Fads took heroin after experimenting with hashish and "anything
that would get me high."

From then on, he lived the classic experience of heroin, probably the most
sadistic drug there is, where the price of short-lived utopia is
excruciating physical pain as heroin leaves the blood stream.

Known as withdrawal symptoms, the void also leads to cold sweats,
unjustified anger and, in cases of strong addiction, the blind and
desperate hunt for more drugs.

"You stop being human, you lose all good or bad feelings, you don't love
yourself and you don't care about your mother," he said, appearing
conscious of the weight of his statement.

It was difficult getting Fads to share the facts of his troubled
adolescence, but somewhere along his discourse, he leaked the occasional
hint of a traumatic youth.

"My sister was raped before my very eyes," he said without prior warning
and without additional details.

"If you're growing up with a sense of weight, heroin takes that away. It
removes all fear and shame," he continued, adding: "Being 16 is a difficult
time. You want to take a step forward in society, with girls and with the
guys. You want to grow up and leave home."

Well into his addiction, Fads received his widowed mother's permission to
take drugs at home, after her attempts to keep him home and out of trouble
failed.

"She preferred that I take them where she could see me," he recalled,
adding with some amusement: "She even learned how to roll a (hash) joint
for me."

His mother worked to make a living and "wasn't around much," he said.

His family of four always had serious financial problems and was certainly
unable to afford the $150 drug money which Fads eventually needed daily,
and for which he ended up dealing drugs.

"My only purpose in life was getting my fix and making it last," he said,
taking a long pause.

American author William S. Burroughs summed up the experience in his book
Junky, in which he wrote: "I have learned the junk equation. Junk is not
like alcohol or weed: a means to increase the enjoyment of life. Junk is
not a kick. It's a way of life."

According to Elias Hayek, head of the follow-up office of Oum al-Nour,
which is the country's only drug rehabilitation center and where Fads spent
two years, the addict is someone who has lost trust in everything and everyone.

"His friends introduce him to drugs, the dealers urge him to buy more, the
state is on his tail and society rejects him," Hayek said.

A year out of rehab, Fads did not blame his friends for his addiction,
stating: "If they hadn't given me drugs, I would have gotten them elsewhere."

Following what is known in sociology as the conflict theory of drug abuse,
Hayek maintained that addiction grips those who are "predisposed" to it,
namely people who suffer from a combination of despair, hopelessness,
alienation, poverty and community disintegration.

According to the Oum al-Nour annual report, the government is focusing on
hunting down the country's 2,500 drug dealers but providing little
assistance in the reintegration of drug addicts into society.

Meanwhile, the number of people who stayed at Oum al-Nour's three centers
more than doubled between 2000 and 2001, with the average age of addicts
dropping dramatically.

When the association was established in 1990, only 5 percent of addicts
were aged under 24, compared with 40 percent in 2000.

Fads was 24 when he overdosed in the spring of 1999; this was when police
gave him the choice between Oum al-Nour and Roumieh Central Prison.

He chose rehab, where he received medical treatment and regular group and
solo therapy.

"(Getting off heroin) depends on how sincere you are with yourself and how
ready you are to benefit from what's available," Fads said, adding that
other rehab residents helped him a lot.

While his decade-long enslavement to heroin was emotionally and physically
taxing, Fads seemed to have made peace with his past, speaking of it with
striking candor and a lack of self judgment.

"I wasted 10 years of my life just sitting there, counting the days. But
there's no point regretting it," he said, adding matter-of-factly: "I had
fun. I have good memories of friends from that time, and I matured a lot."

"Of course, it would have been possible to (experience) all that without
drugs. I just did it with," he said, adding that coming out of rehab was
like "waking up from hibernation" and being "faced with your feelings,
which heroin always postponed."

Today, he leads a sober existence, working in a clothing store and sharing
a home with his 95-year-old grandfather since his family moved abroad.

The word "junky" is not taboo in Fads' dictionary, but the word he uses to
describe himself three years ago, and what he calls his still- addicted
buddies, who continue to invite him to "party" with them.

"I ask them 'What for?' and I keep to myself," he said.

Asked what life without drugs was like, Fads answered: "It's cool."

*Fads is not the subject's real name; it was chosen by the subject, who
requested anonymity.