IS IT THE END OF THE LINE FOR COCAINE?

Around this time of year, readers' eyes are routinely drawn towards the top
of newspapers in a search for epistemological reassurance. Having
established that April 1 has passed, the reader can then return to a more
normal state of studied disbelief.

Every now and then, though, a story is so spoofable that it demands a second
journey north for the eyes. Such was the dizzying effect of the news that
the second stage of clinical trials on a vaccine for cocaine addiction was
under way.

Code-named TA-CD, the vaccine is a combination of a cocaine molecule and a
large protein that causes the body to generate anti-bodies against cocaine,
thereby rendering the drug free of pleasure for the addict.

Let's forget for a moment that cocaine, according to the medical experts, is
not addictive. If it stops people from snorting cocaine, TA-CD will have
profound implications for the media. And I'm not referring to the fact that
the media is supposedly the main centre of cocaine use in this country. The
point is this: what is going to replace all those news pages if there is a
cure for cocaine abuse?

Think about it. There will no longer be acres of "My cocaine hell" stories
for washed-up celebrities having difficulties promoting their latest
album/film/soap opera appearance. Overnight the crime wave will come
crashing to a halt. There will be no more Yardie murder stories, no more
crackdowns on crack-houses, no more petty crime to fund crack-addiction, no
more investigations into private members clubs, no more tests on the
chemical residue left on bank notes.

What will make the average rock star or gangsta rapper more worthy of
attention than, say, an oil executive? And who will replace the Colombian
cartels as the world's most feared criminals?

Tim Bell, the PR guru, famously said that cocaine makes a good man great.
But what will happen to the creativity of the advertising and PR industries
without their little white lines?

The good news is that the TA-CD story appeared on April 2, which means that
it may even be true. And speaking as a reader, the vaccine can't be
developed soon enough. All in all, I've had a noseful of cocaine.