HOLY SMOKES!

And God said, Behold, I have given you every herb bearing seed, which is
upon the face of all the earth, and every tree, in the which is the fruit
of a tree yielding seed; to you it shall be for meat. -- Genesis 1:29

"You mean they can tell God that it's not legal?" -- Bob Marley, reggae
singer and Rastafarian, to a Canadian journalist

Tolkien probably toked. According to the gospel of the Rev. Chris Dalman,
the British writer likely had a little help from his friend "Mary Jane" to
create the fantasy world inhabited by the Hobbit and the Lord of the Rings.
"I think he enjoyed a good herb on the mountainside," says Dalman, a
32-year-old minister with the Church of the Universe and owner/operator of
a "cafe" that opened this week in Osborne Village.

Dalman, who had us over for "coffee" the other day at his new digs at 166
Osborne St., says he believes the most creative apples -- artists, writers
and the like -- don't fall far from God's Tree of Life.

"I've never been as creative as when I've smoked."

Did we mention that the Tree of Life isn't actually a tree, but a plant,
and that Dalman's new business, The Cannabis Devout Mission Retail/Cafe, is
giving new meaning to the term "coffee pot?"

For one thing, there isn't any coffee. And there isn't really any...

Wait. There is a pot of hemp coffee and some herbal teas. But Starbucks
this ain't.

What you can get at the "cafe," located in the same building that houses
Urban Barn, Stella's Cafe and Bakery and radio stations KY-58 and CITI-FM,
is a variety of products from the Tree of Life that you can wear, eat,
write on, wash with and rub into your skin.

Hemp oil. Hemp soap. Hemp hats, shirts, pants and bags. Hemp cord and beads
to string on it. Hemp paper and books.

There's even a little baggie of something for your cat that's "organically
grown in Manitoba" and sells for $3.

Incidentally, the American Declaration of Independence was written on hemp.
There's a framed copy on the wall, along with multiple images of
ganja-smokin' reggae singer and Rastafarian Bob Marley. He also worshipped
the Tree of Life.

(Food services -- just cold and raw snack stuff -- won't be available until
after the April 20 grand opening.) Until he realized his dream of opening
"a sanctuary for true believers of cannabis," Dalman ran the Humble Hemp, a
retail outlet he opened at The Forks in 1997.

Sanctuary, schmanctuary. Hemp, schmemp.

The burning question is: will Dalman's patrons be able to catch a buzz at
his biz?

You know, get high, toke up, share a smoke, suck back a spliff, have a
hoot, blast a roach, blow a stick, burn one, fire it up, hit the hay, mow
the grass, spark it up, puff the dragon?

Well, according to recent media reports, yes.

Then again, perhaps no. (By this time, Dalman and friend/assistant Mattie
Lambert, 26, have had their "morning bowl," so we're expecting an
enlightened answer.)

"We're not prepared to spend a lot of money on a legal battle to fight a
senseless law," Dalman, who has smoked marijuana regularly since age 13, says.

Well aware that his worshipped weed is illegal, he says that even if he
does get shut down, he will have accomplished his goal.

"This cafe, this mission is more for the enlightenment of people so they
can realize they don't have to live with all these restrictions and false
ideals.

"I want to offer retail goods and a place you can come and commune with
like-minded individuals."

Lambert, who's only been hanging with "Mary Jane" for about six years, says
he smokes pot a couple times a week, but uses it "sacredly." He believes
every plant, like every living thing, has an essence.

Toking, then, is a form of worshipping the source of that essence.

"There are a thousand ways to play and a thousand ways to pray," the
Vancouver native says.

In Dalman's ideal sweet-smelling world, pot smoking would fall into the
same category as cigarette smoking. There would be designated places for
it, preferably outdoors.

It goes without saying that there's no drug dealing allowed at the cafe.
And no minors unless they're with an adult.

Dalman says he isn't concerned about a study by Carleton University
scientists that revealed this week that heavy marijuana use lowers the IQ
by an average of four points.

"IQ tests can't measure creative intuition or level of spirituality, what
artists and performers have," he says. Which brings us back to Tolkien, who
we just bet was higher than a kite when he named that hairy little dude
Frodo Baggins...

The Cannabis Devout Mission Retail/Cafe is open 10 a.m. to 10 p.m. Tuesday
to Saturday and 4:20 p.m. to 10 p.m. Sunday and Monday.