TOKE'S ON THESE HUMORLESS JERKS

April 10, 2002 -- LIKE Mayor Bloomberg, former President Bill Clinton,
Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas, former Rep. Newt Gingrich, Gov.
Pataki, and others I can't remember, much less care about, I've smoked
marijuana.

Unlike many of these prominent party animals, I didn't like it.

Pot propelled me to manically clean my dorm room at SUNY New Paltz, then
crouch behind locked doors until imaginary cops left the building.

And then, there was that unfortunate incident involving Twinkies and
ketchup . . .

The nice folks at NORML, the National Organization for the Reform of
Marijuana Laws, came to New York yesterday to make trouble.

For one thing, NORML hid its press conference in a tiny, sweltering
upstairs room at the New York Sheraton, leaving drug-addled members of the
media no instructions how to find the party.

Worse, these earnest pot-pushing Washingtonites left their senses of humor
on the Delta shuttle.

Worse yet, they provided no munchies.

(A colleague complained that they provided no samples.)

For 30 years, the graying gasbags of NORML have pushed to decriminalize
recreational use and possession of marijuana.

In their quest to save fellow cannabis aficionados from the indignation of
a night in the slammer, they've found an unwitting champion: Mayor
Bloomberg, who was once quoted as saying he "enjoyed" the weed.

Now, the NORML jokers are threatening to plaster his picture on buses and
telephone booths, as if to tell New Yorkers it's OK to get high.

Getting serious for a just a moment, the NORML folks got a tad agitated
when I asked about those rival ads from the federal government, which say
that when you buy marijuana, your money goes to terrorists. They say it
doesn't.

Worse was when I asked if they carried any pot in their pockets.

"Do you?" shot back an indignant Dr. John Morgan, illustrating the drug's
paranoia-inducing side effect.

I had no pot. But I was desperate for a snack.

The guy beside me was jonesing for a joint.

All of which made me miss Rudy Giuliani.

He would have tossed these troublemakers out on the pavement. And maybe
even provided pretzels.