GOING FOR THE GOTHS

They have an unusual lifestyle. They wear black. Some of them have been
accused of serious youth-related crimes.

But Congress has appropriated no money to fight Catholic priests. It has,
however, earmarked $273,000 in the federal Department of Education's 2002
budget to combat Goth culture in Blue Springs, Mo.

You may have heard about this in reports on the watchdog group Citizens
Against Government Waste's complaints about pork-barrel spending. The
Goth-fighting funds are a favorite feature of the organization's "Pig Book"
report on congressional pork, unveiled Tuesday.

It makes you wonder just what the heck "Goth" is, and how it became so
serious a threat that it merits enough money to pay at least five
experienced teachers for a year. As best I can tell, Goth means kids
wearing black and acting scary. It's supposed to mean more than that -- the
Goths say it does -- but unfortunately for them, Goth to the general public
is not what Goths say it is. It's what other people think it is, and other
people think it's kids in black acting scary.

The anti-Goth appropriation has been credited to Congressman Sam Graves of
Missouri, who represents the Kansas City suburb getting the money.

"About 35 students have been identified with Goth culture," says Graves
spokesman Jewell Patek. "They're doing self-mutilation, animal sacrifices,
the sort of violent behavior and drug use that possibly could lead to what
happened at Columbine in 1999 with Dylan Klebold and Eric Harris."

That doesn't mean "all kids who wear black are going to end up doing a
school massacre," he added, "but there are some violent tendencies
associated with this culture." The money is supposed to set up a program
other local communities can use to fight Goths.

Is he sure these are Goths, and not just maniacs in black?

"I don't know if they're being mislabeled or not," he says. "They're
involved with cultic-type rituals. They're wearing black. They're involved
in drugs. Maybe they're misrepresenting the Goth culture. But really we're
after the behavior."

It might be easier to build criminal cases against the 35 students, so the
cops don't have to fight the whole genre.

Check my math and tell me $273,000 divided by 35 students doesn't come out
to $7,800 per Goth. Seems like you could slice off $7,000 and just spend
$800 buying the kids more brightly colored clothing and happier music.

The amount may raise unrealistic expectations. For $273,000, those reformed
Goths had better do more than just lay off the ritual sacrifice. They'd
better don pastel polo shirts and join "Up With People." Or start doing
Wal-Mart commercials: "I once thought nothing in this shallow society could
fill the dark void in the deep recesses of my soul. But now I find
everything I need at the Wal-Mart Supercenter!"

That's the level of success I hope the Goth-fighters in Missouri achieve --
about $273,000 worth.