WITH DOPE, THERE IS STILL HOPE FOR EDUCATION

EDITOR'S NOTE: It has come to our attention that this area of The Item has
become one of considerable consternation for a diverse portion of our
readership. Mr. Evans, it seems, has a knack for irritating any hapless
soul who happens to stumble across his mindless ramblings. We have noted
his talent for agitating readers on either side of any topic he attacks -
for example, the string of abusive e-mails accusing him both of supporting
and denigrating the ancient and honorable art of tattooing. Perhaps his
penchant for obliquity stems from his longterm relationship with a former
football prognosticator during his lengthy reign as this publication's
sports editor. Or maybe his dementia can be traced to the very topic of
this most recent epistle. In any case, we are dealing with the problem
forthrightly. Immediately upon reading this column, we rushed him to the
nearest clinic for a battery of tests that confirmed, much to our
amazement, that our writer was not under the influence of any mind-altering
substance. At least not while he was penning these words. But be mindful
that we have our eye on him. In the meantime, we'll simply upgrade our
e-mail server and await the deluge.

The battles continue to rage in boardrooms across the state. Even as town,
city, county and state administrators tune their finely crafted budgets in
an attempt to meet the sundry needs of their constituents while avoiding
bankruptcy, school officials are gearing up to demand their share. They
need money, lots of it, and they need it now. And it's difficult to argue
with them. While federal and state governments are mandating higher
performance levels from both teachers and students, they are slamming the
door on resources. School systems are being victimized by budget cuts. It's
a piteous development. Highly qualified educators form queues at the
nearest Wal-Mart to spend the last few pennies of their welfare checks on
enough pencils and erasers to get their long-suffering students through the
state-mandated PACT. Meanwhile, legislators peer down from their lofty
berths in the statehouse and demand higher scores ... or else. Or else,
what? Even less money, that's what. Poor PACT scores mean poor grades on a
school's report card and - you guessed it - financial consequences. And
they wonder why teachers are tempted to spend PACT-day eve scribbling the
answers to each question across every desk in their classrooms. Why not? A
few of the students might notice them between spitball fights. Meanwhile,
the millions produced by the state lottery lie in wait for those who manage
to weave their way through the system and gain entrance into college. Once
there, perhaps they'll be taught how to read. It's a self-perpetuating
problem, one that has perplexed legislators and educators for years. But
there is a solution. And, believe it or not, it comes from Mississippi,
where a federally funded program to grow medical marijuana is drawing jeers
in California. It seems the pot grown in Mississippi is substandard.
Subjects involved in a study of the effects of the drug on HIV patients are
complaining that the Mississippi crop is too weak. Not only do they still
have HIV, but they can't seem to forget about it. Well, that's too bad.
However, it does open the door for South Carolina, which ranks just above
Mississippi in just about every measurable category except, perhaps, rebel
flags. Surely, we can edge them out in pot-growing. We have plenty of dirt
- - ranking just one notch ahead of Mississippi in soil per capita in a
recent national study - and if my years in college are any indication, a
solid base of experience. It's likely a few of my former classmates
remember how to grow the stuff. And then the funds generated by our
illicit, but perfectly legal, crop can be dedicated to improving our public
school systems. Oh, there are those who would question the morality of
cultivating dope in the name of education, but they were beaten down during
the lengthy lottery debate. And which is worse, providing drugs for a
federally approved program or inviting the weak-minded to squander their
pennies on a virtually hopeless bid to become a millionaire?