I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S POT BUTTER!

When I was in the clink, I had to trade favours. It doesn't matter now
what I wanted-but let me tell you, minimum security is still prison.
Some of those embezzlement bitches formed tough cliques around the
gazebo in the exercise yard.

Since people knew who I was, they came to me with questions. I could
usually refer them to the issue of my award-winning magazine in which
they could find the techniques I taught. In return, I learned about
certain ingredients I didn't employ when I started my catering company
in Connecticut. And let me tell you, these additions are a damn good
thing.

A suburban housewife hooked me up with some shake so I could make some
of my infamous pot butter. The best thing about pot butter is that you
can use up all the stems and leaves that you never felt like rolling
up. If you have a good relationship with your dealer, you might be
able to get the inferior ditch weed at a significant discount.

Now, I'm a smoker who enjoys the head trip. I love getting new ideas
for my empire. However, sometimes I want a different trip. Anyone can
make tea in a French press or sprinkle hash in a pan of brownies, but
properly prepared pot butter will make you curl up on your custom
Italian divan and watch that darling Ms Winfrey or The View on TiVo
for hours. Alternatively, a body stone delivers hours of fluid dancing
if you stay out of the chill out room. Remember to stay hydrated. The
first step to pot butter is to dry the weed, either by spreading it
out on a cookie sheet over paper towel for 24 hours or popping it in
the oven to warm for a half hour. You're looking to produce dry powder
in the eight dollar coffee grinder-or "bud buster"-that you have
co-opted for the purpose.

Portioning is a matter of intent. If you're going to snack on a few
cookies and watch TV, you'll make a pound of butter with an eighth of
good stuff. However, if you're going to feed the girls for a charity
ball planning session, a couple of pounds of butter with half an ounce
of stems and leaves will do the trick. Plus, the end result freezes
well.

In a large, covered, stainless steel pot, boil the product plus an
extra two inches of water for an hour. Strain out the weed from the
water and its load of soluble waxes, tar and chlorophyll which burn
you out. The psychoactive THC doesn't come out in the water. This
stage isn't as necessary with quality bud.

Add the same volume of water and bring to a boil, followed by one or
two pounds of unsalted, fresh creamery butter. Margarine is a no-no,
even that omega-3 atrocity, as the CLA-enhanced fats in butter absorb
the THC.

Leave the lid off for the first half hour but partially cover it
afterwards so you don't have to continually add water. Keep it under a
boil for anywhere from two to eight hours. The longer you boil shake,
the better. Keep the hood fan on during this step, burn some jasmine
incense and try to ignore the stench. I usually spark a doob and play
Call of Duty 2, catch up on SomethingAwful's Photoshop contests or
re-upholster the cushions on my Adirondack chairs.

By the time you're down, you'll be ready to lay a sheet of cheesecloth
in a fine mesh strainer. Carefully pour the flow through the strainer
and into a large glass mixing bowl, placing the bowl on a flat surface
in the refrigerator. We'll come back to this.

Half as much hot water in the pot boils, with the cheesecloth, for an
hour. Strain again into another mixing bowl, wrapping all the weed
into the cheesecloth and using a press or citrus juicer to extract the
most butter. A bit of clean boiling water will allow one more squeeze.

Throw the steaming mess into the compost or a freezer bag and into the
bin. Put the mixing bowl in the refrigerator with its sister and wait
for about an episode of Lost. Carefully peel off the greenish yellow
layer and place it in a shallow glass pan. Typically, the yield is
about three quarters of the original amount of butter, and you can
freeze amounts as small as half-cups. The next stage is up to you!

A movie night goes very well with a half cup of melted butter on an
enormous bowl of popcorn. Use a combination of Bell's Seasoning and
sea salt to help the flavour, and keep a huge mug of chai green tea at
hand. Pot cookies are popular, but I warn you that chocolate chips go
manky in storage. If you're eating them right away, go ahead or go
oatmeal raisin. Some dried mango will do wonders.

This evening, I made cinnamon rolls. The dough didn't need butter, but
make sure to mop up all the melted brown sugar filling on the plate.
Then, be prepared to be knocked on your ass.

Remember that a body stone is much different than a head stone. You'll
have a solid six hours on the divan before you straighten out enough
to go to bed. Smoke up and go to sleep, or call a cab: you're not OK
to drive. You have another couple of groggy hours ahead of you that
coffee and night air will not help.

There you have it-Marta Stupor'd's Magic Butter. If you have better
bud and don't have 10 hours, try the quick version of the recipe and
enjoy. Pot butter-it's a good thing.

Easy Pot Butter

Break up your dried pot as though planning to roll with it. Melt your
butter on low heat (or in a double boiler) and add the bud. Simmer the
combination on medium heat until the greenish hues of the pot have all
turned brown-perhaps 20 minutes for small batches of an eighth of weed
with a pound of butter.

Strain out the herb with cheesecloth, squeezing as much butter as
possible from its clutches. The resulting greenish-brown butter comes
pre-melted and perfect for use in both baking and getting baked!

Magic Peanut Butter Squares

Like pot tea or hash brownies, anyone can chow down on 'shrooms or
throw them into boiling water. Why not avoid the entire,
horribly-flavoured mess and try some delectable Magic Peanut Butter
Squares?

1/8 oz (3.5 g) psilocybin 12 oz (340 g) butterscotch chips 1 cup
smooth peanut butter 1/2 cup butter (not Magic Butter) 1 small bag of
multicoloured marshmallows

Grind dried magic mushrooms into dust.

Place butterscotch chips into a heavy-bottomed saucepan and cook over
low heat until melted. Stir in the powdered bliss, then add peanut
butter and butter. After they have been well stirred, allow the
mixture to cool.

Add marshmallows and put into a buttered eight-inch square pan. Store
in the refrigerator until you just need to try one, and have three.
Put the rest away or feed them to two friends and prepare for six
hours of intense visuals.