KEEP TALKING TO YOUR KIDS

Teen drinking and drugging, inevitable rites of passage or behaviors
that can be avoided? No one quibbles with the fact that teen access
to alcohol and drugs is ridiculously easy. But according to a recent
survey, open communication between parent and child plays a critical
role in that child's decisions regarding drinking, drinking and
driving, using drugs and sex.

This hopeful conclusion was reached in a study conducted by Students
Against Destructive Decisions/Students Against Drunk Driving and the
insurance company Liberty Mutual Group. If the lines of communication
between parent and child are open, these statistics show that
children are more likely to avoid destructive decision-making.

"The fact is that parents have tremendous influence on their children
throughout their teenage years and kids are looking for that power to
be exercised," says Stephen Wallace, chairman and chief executive
officer of SADD. "Kids also send adults mixed messages. They put on
the facade of not wanting parental oversight, but they really do want
those things. It's been found throughout our research. Kids face a
conflicting task at adolescence: They need to become independent but
are in some pretty choppy waters that require some support from their
parents."

The study polled 500 teens, classifying them into avoiders,
experimenters and repeaters:

* Avoiders are more likely than repeaters to say they have open and
honest communication with their parents.

* Repeaters are significantly less likely than experimenters or
avoiders to say it is important to them to live up to their parents'
expectations regarding drinking, sex and drugs.

* In regards to alcohol, 44 percent of repeaters find it important to
live up to their parents' expectations while 75 percent of
experimenters found it important.

* Fifty-three percent of parents agree that drinking is a part of
growing up and that teens will drink no matter what.

"A lot of parents think when their kids become teenagers they can't
influence their children's choices, but our data makes it clear that
they can," Wallace says. "Our research points out that kids who spend
time with their parents and have a close relationship are
overwhelmingly less likely to drink, use drugs or have sex."

This doesn't mean that a high school student will never take a drink
or experiment with drugs. Rather, it says, effective parenting can
curtail a pattern.

Area experts agree with the thrust of the study, and offer additional
advice for parents.

"Adolescence is a time when kids have to develop their own
independent identities," says Kurt Sperling, a licensed clinical
social worker in Greenwich who specializes in adults and teenagers.
"Kids who have no other outlet for individual expression such as
sports or art, they'll often go to drugs or alcohol to separate
themselves from their families. Kids who have healthy interests
outside the family are less likely to use alcohol and drugs because
their self-esteem is being fed by these outside activities."

Lisa Hira, 17, a senior at Westhill High School in Stamford, believes
the issue of teen drinking/drugging is inflated. While she would
classify the majority of her classmates as experimenters, she
believes today's teens aren't nearly as destructive as they're made
out to be.

"I think that it's a lot more overblown," she says. "The majority of
us are not as into (drinking/drugging) as much as people would like
to believe. We've been given enough information that we make pretty
informed decisions.

Barry Halpin, a prevention specialist for LMG Programs, a private,
nonprofit recovery and prevention organization in Fairfield County,
agrees with both the study and Hira's observations.

"If a child knows the parents' expectations and they are realistic
and there are conversations about them that include repercussions,
most children will obey those parameters if they are deemed
acceptable," he says. "Kids who have a communication and accept the
parameters don't want to disappoint their parents. (Adolescence) is
time for experimentation in general for kids. Developmentally, they
are trying to find out who they are. Family is important but not as
important as their peer group or their friends."

"There are some parents who view it as inevitable and acknowledge
that there is a widespread availability of a variety of substances to
teenagers," says Sperling. "It doesn't mean it's inevitable but
there's exposure to it. Teens can get their hands on anything they
want if they know who to ask. Anyone who believes otherwise has their
head in the sand. It's been that way for a very long time."

Although drinking is illegal for teens but legal for adults if they
aren't driving, parents must lead by example, area experts say.

"Model behavior you want your children to have," says Donna Phillips,
a professor in the division of counseling and human resources at the
University of Bridgeport. "If we use drugs or alcohol
inappropriately, that is going to model to our children exactly what
we don't want to model. Open lines of communication vary from stage
to stage. If you start when they're young, they may turn you off as
teens but they're still listening. Before communication, we have to
listen to our children. If we really want them to listen to us, we
really have to listen to them, physically, spiritually and
intellectually. We have to model a strong value system. We model
every day and most of our values are caught, not taught.

"Kids will pay attention to their parents' actions, not their words,"
Sperling says.

The SADD study also provided tips that teens say would help them make
wiser decisions if their parents were to employ them. They include
initiating dialogue about decision-making, staying up until teens
return home, enforcing curfews, requiring teens to sleep at home,
calling friends' parents to ensure supervision, asking teens to
'check in' by telephone, and enforcing consequences for misbehavior.

Hira says she always informs her mom where she'll be at night, but
doesn't see the need for a curfew or an evening phone call. Phillips
says parents can't fear their role.

"Don't be afraid to parent," she says. "When we are living in fear of
our children we can't parent with honesty and love. If we can live
without fear of rejection, some day they will come around if we've
been loving parents."