MUSHROOM ARRESTS NOT PLEASING TO ALL

I am sleeping more soundly at night knowing the Brooke County Sheriff's
Deputies have arrested fifty youths who were menacing the Castleman's Run
area by picking wild mushrooms, as reported in the May 15 News-Register.
The sheriff reports that charges are pending on close to 80 individuals.

The Castleman Cop Dragnet should make the remote area safer for the few
dozen people who live out there. These were allegedly hallucinogenic
mushrooms, classified as a controlled substance. The sheriff claimed they
had "been watching the area and watching which mushrooms were being picked."

Thank God, the sheriff's department is staffed with expert mycologists who
can identify the tricky fungi from afar. I am confident they obtained spore
prints, essential for accurate identification, of many mushrooms.

Who knows what terrible things may have happened had the marauding
mushroomers ingested their harvest, along with the marijuana some had in
their possession. They may have begun giggling uncontrollably and saying
things like, "Your karmic aura is like a bearded rainbow." Afflicted with
burger munchies, they may have cut in front of us in line at McDonald's.
The mall is reporting a run on Pink Floyd CD's. The Audubon Guide warns
these mushrooms may induce visions and raving. We Americans prefer quiet
insanity.

Now the Castleman Cops face the grim task of eradicating the mushrooms
which appear to grow there naturally. They are considering bulldozing the
offending woodlots and fields. Perhaps Dow Chemical has some Agent Orange
defoliant left over from Vietnam. We may have to destroy the area in order
to save it.

Of course, in true Big Brother mode, the sheriff claimed, "Our biggest
concern is the safety of the individuals." It is a peculiar notion that to
protect citizens you must arrest, prosecute, fine and incarcerate them.
Under asset forfeiture laws, the Castleman Cops may seize their automobiles
and houses.

Chalk up another victory for our Blue Knights defending the land of the free.

Even though it has been a great year for morels, all you legitimate
mushroom hunters better watch out. If you pick the wrong fungus, the Fourth
Reich has you under surveillance and may land on you with both jackboots.

If there is no room for you in our overcrowded jails, they'll just turn
some rapists and child molesters loose early to free up prison cells. In
the endless war on drugs, we have to keep our priorities straight.

Charles Rogerson, Bethlehem