NAGGING WON'T MAKE AN ADDICT GET CLEANED UP

If you care about someone who may have a problem with alcohol or other
drugs, there are probably times when you find their behavior frustrating or
confusing. You're not sure what to do.

Or perhaps there's no question that something has to change. Your loved
one's traffic citations, job losses or money problems are ruining your
life. You worry all the time, and you've got to do something. But you're
still not sure what.

If you think about it, what you really want is to help the person change
destructive behavior. You'll be most effective if you keep a few things in
mind.

First, people almost never make lasting changes just because others want
them to - no matter how important those others are to them. Countless
wives, husbands, parents, siblings, friends and employers can attest to
this fact.

Rather, people change when they see that they have a problem, then over a
period of time do the work required to change. Treatment professionals know
that such change also happens when increasingly serious consequences are
imposed over time - not because of nagging, tears, judgments or threats.

So if you want to help someone change, you're likely to be most successful
if you are patient, clear and consistent about consequences.

If the situation is relatively mild, you can describe changes you've seen
recently while your friend is under the influence. You don't demand
anything. You just hold up a mirror, giving the clearest information you
can because you care. I call this an "informal intervention."

In these early stages, nonaddicts likely will correct their behavior.
Addicts probably won't. Either way, you're just planting seeds for the
person to consider.

However serious the problem is, patience, clarity and consistency will
offer the best chance for bringing about lasting change. Each step of the
way, try to stay calm. Describe what you're seeing; point to specific
events and how they affect others. Always be as clear as you can about the
consequences for the next slip - and stick to them.

For someone not in full-blown dependency, embarrassment about party
behavior or the cost of a fender-bender may be enough to spark change. But
for the addict or alcoholic, more serious outcomes often are required.
These may include separation or divorce, job loss, loss of child custody,
even arrest.

To be sure, going through this is not easy, and you won't do it perfectly.
When you care about someone, your own feelings can easily get in the way.
Also, addicts and alcoholics are typically very skilled at charming, and
confusing, those around them. To stay with it, you'll probably need support
from others.

Al-Anon Family Groups, listed in the white pages, have been helping family
and friends of alcoholics for years. You may also want to consult a
professional to get an evaluation.

The local crisis hot line can help you make an initial determination of the
problem, as can staff at Serenity Lane and other treatment centers. And
always remember that you never have to stand for physical abuse. If that's
part of your life, use 911 and get to safety.

When you care about someone who has a problem, you'll likely experience
first-hand the reality of just how powerless we all are over someone else's
drinking or using. There's no guarantee that any action we take will lead
to long-term change. But if we can hold up a mirror, they may see clearly
enough to enter a process that will make a real difference.

We'll help most by being patient, clear and consistent along the way.