MOROCCANS ARE CRAFTY

Ting-a-ling.

Dangerous Dave phoned me again. He is pissed because last month his drug
pipeline clogged with Spaniards.

(This is my man, Dangerous Dave, the Northern Irishman who has a penchant
for pipe/drum bands and injections of illegal narcotics.)

You see, my gentle reader, the trouble with Europe is that it has no
Mexico. Not even a Colombia.

All it's got is an Afghanistan and a Morocco. And the Afghani opium market
is only now starting to recover since the Taliban have been chased away.

Deprived of his precious horse, Dangerous Dave had recourse to sticky
chunks of cheap Moroccan hash.

"It was only 15 quid for a chunk as fat as a bleeding phalange," said Dave.
"But because of those arsehead dagos I'm stuck till Parliament gets around
to decriminalizing cannibus. Dammit, that won't be till February!"

Last month Moroccan hashish smugglers had an unforeseen setback: Spanish
warships patrolling the Strait of Gibralter. Poor Dangerous Dave has
suffered in silence with only his tremors for company.

Morocco is a country in the northwest corner of Africa. Together with
Spain, the two countries form a gate around the entrance to the
Mediterranean Sea. The Strait of Gibralter is like the vagina to the salty
Mediterranean uterus.

Morocco used to be a French-Spanish colony. It gained independence in 1956.
Soon after, Morocco became a constitutional monarchy.

The king's name is Mohammed VI. Mohammed VI is unhappy with Spain.

Three weeks ago, he ordered half a dozen poorly armed Moroccan soldiers to
wade out to an off-shore islet at low tide. The islet is wee and barren. It
is plum full of underbrush, pebbles and lichen. Translated, its name is
Parsley Island.

The soldiers waddled up the largest rubble pile and planted a Moroccan flag.

Until then, Parsley Island's only inhabitants were goats. According to my
sources, the goats were in charge of their own affairs.

Goats beside, Parsley Island is owned by Spain.

The Spanish people caught wind of the flag and petitioned the government
for retribution. They demanded that the government chase the cheeky Moors
away. So the government sent ships and helicopters and fierce, mustachioed
Spanish sailors.

This was the first invasion of Western-European land since World War II.

Spying the glint of Spanish steel, the Moroccans folded their flag and
waded back to the mainland. Besides, the Moroccan soldiers had brought no
provisions and were hungry.

Behind them the Moroccans left a turbulent wake of confusion, ire and
derisive laughter. The whole affair is perfect farce. What if the USA had
to forcibly occupy a rock inhabited by bracken and goats?

This is an quintessential international crisis. NATO, the UN and Mr. Colin
Powell hurried to iron out the matter.

The relationship between the two countries has degraded severely in the
last year. Morocco pulled its ambassador in response to Spain's refusal to
discuss issues of mutual concern: illegal immigration and drug smuggling
via the Strait of Gibralter. Plus there is the issue of Spain's other old
colonial possessions.

Morocco is mainly concerned with two islands: Ceuta and Melilla. Both
islands are a silver dollar's throw from the Moroccan mainland and remain
in Spanish hands because of counter-intuitive colonial logic.

The impetus behind the last month's invasion lay in the fact that the 1956
treaty of independence did not specifically mention Parsley Island.
Generalissimo Franco intentionally skipped over Parsley Island because of
its role in the second world war.

Though Spain declared itself neutral during the war, Franco lent Parsley
Island to the Nazis. That fascist bastard Franco gifted Hitler a base to
patrol the entrance to the Mediterranean. Which, in turn, is why the
Moroccans want it - to patrol for drug/immigrant smugglers.

Meanwhile the whole affair has interrupted the celebration of King Mohammed
VI's wedding. A joyous festival full of flowers, mirth and snake charmers.
Among the wedding guests: Bill Clinton and the Chelsanator.

It also interrupted Dangerous Dave's habit.

Morocco is guilty of brilliant diplomacy. Its ridiculous "invasion" has
given it a forum to voice its concerns. As a bonus, the Spanish military
presence has choked smuggling routes.

The drug dealers now have more to fear than barbaric apes. But Dangerous
Dave needed to clean up his act anyway.

Zack Lane

Senior English major

Detroit, MI