LEGALIZE IT

Billy Rogers Is A Hero.

Billy Rogers is a god.

Billy Rogers, aka Really Super-Great-Awesome Dude, is the leader of a group
that wants possession of marijuana to be legal in the state of Nevada.
Apparently, Billy, who's done extensive research on the subject, has
discovered that legalized pot equals bong loads of cash (duh!).

And I'm not talking about a spliff or two (or even three). I'm not even
talking about an ounce. Mr. Rogers wants to make possession of three ounces
of marijuana legal in his neighborhood (and ours).

Three ounces? Whoa, baby! That makes one helluva wacky tabacky party!

"We are talking millions and millions of dollars of tax revenue," Rogers
said. "We figure there are 150,000 regular marijuana users in Nevada who
might buy an ounce per month."

An ounce a month? 150,000 people? Who smokes that much dope? And how do I
get invited to their parties?

Can you imagine how cool legalizing pot will be? Can you see it now? Hordes
of stoners with orange-cheese-curl fingers. A Mountain Dew in every hand. A
ridiculous, baked perma-grin on every face. What a wonderful world it would be.

Plus, the crime rate would go down, because people would be too loaded to
get up off the couch, much less go out and commit some sort of heinous
crime. I mean really, imagine Tommy Chong trying to jack a 7-Eleven: "Dude,
totally, like put the money in the uh ... in the uh ... dude, what's that
called?"

The economy would be buzzing. 7-Eleven could afford to hire workers who
actually speak English, Domino's alone would lower the unemployment rate,
and the Nevada treasury would be loaded with a stash of cash. Can you think
of all the things the government could do if a bunch of potheads were able
to purchase the chronic at their local Albertson's?

I can. In fact, I have a couple of ideas for the Reefer Fund. (But I just
did a little "research" of my own, so let me relate it to you before I
forget my point.)

The first thing we should do with the money is fix the fucking roads in
this city. Let's face it, the road situation in Vegas is out of control.
How are stoned people (or sober people for that matter) supposed to get
across this fine city safely and in one piece?

The roads are so bad in Vegas that if you wanted to "off" someone, all you
would have to do is give them directions to your house. Just make sure you
have them take Durango, or Rancho, or the 15, or ... hell, anywhere! No one
would even know you did it. Talk about the perfect hit.

An I-just-bitch-slapped-a-tourist legal fund would also be on my list of
ways to spend the "pot of dough." This legal defense fund would help locals
after they've ball-peened a tourist for acting like he owned this city.
Hey, Joe Blow from Idaho, just because you dropped a hundred dollars at the
blackjack table does not give you the key to the city. (However, I do have
an idea to help you experience gambling in Vegas in a more efficient
manner. Give me your wallet, spread your legs and let me punch you in the
crotch as hard as I can. Now shut up and get the fuck out of here.)

Regarding boobs, maybe we could use some of the weed money to create a
titty foundation. You know, supply hooters for those bodies that weren't
stocked on that part of the assembly line. We could call it the "Grow a
Pair Foundation."

But if we're going to be able to supply boobs to those with two backs, then
we need to supply doctors who can perform such a feat. Las Vegas is not
known for having Mayo Clinics everywhere (more like ketchup clinics), due
to the fact that doctors blow big ass in this city. I say we need to spend
some of the "bud fund" on building a renowned medical school. To entice
wannabe doctors, we should offer killer incentives like year-round golf and
big bags of other assorted "greens."

Think of how great and mellow this city will be when the bongs bubble in
unison, the city collectively exhales and Fritos reign supreme. So vote yes
on the ganja, dude, and let the government know that we are united and
strong and, um ... what the fuck was I saying?