REEFER MADNESS IN IOWA

With the Iowa campaign in wild flux -- and in the case of Hillary,
acid reflux -- The Des Moines Register decides to hold a tie-breaking
debate with the two Democratic front-runners.

Carolyn Washburn, the phlegmatic editor of the paper, once more moderates.

WASHBURN: Senator Clinton, I'd like you to start us off by explaining
why your campaign has been getting down and dirty with someone so
clean and articulate?

CLINTON: I apologized to Senator Obama. I absolutely did not
authorize or condone the remarks made by one of my co-chairs in New
Hampshire about my distinguished colleague's youthful indiscretions.
If primary voters don't care that he did "a little blow," then my
goodness, why should I? Even if he had packed a straw full of the
white rabbit and had a snow bunny blow it in his ear, who would care,
for Pete's sake? I only wish I knew all that colorful
chasing-the-dragon lingo. Senator Obama certainly has a lot of street
cred, even if it isn't Main Street. We owe it to the good people of
Iowa to stick to critical issues like the economy, and how to get a
fiscally responsible budget like we had in the '90s, the '90s, the '90s --

WASHBURN: Snap out of it.

CLINTON: Sorry. Anyway, even if Senator Obama were still riding the
snow train, I would not allow any revelations about it to sully this
campaign. I'm not sure who that young man in a hoodie was that Barack
was talking to outside tonight, before the debate. I'd seen the young
man earlier, standing around in the shadows outside. But that's
neither here nor there. Even if I had been able to see whether any
money was exchanged, or who was selling to whom, I would not allow
anyone in my campaign, even that scamp Mark Penn, to use the word
cocaine, cocaine, cocaine --

WASHBURN: Senator!

CLINTON: Continuing in this vein, I just want to conclude by saying,
both in terms of experience and illegal substances, I am vetted. I am tested.

WASHBURN: Senator Obama, what would your priorities be as president?

OBAMA: I will pass a health care bill because I am not a polarizing
person whose negatives are completely off the charts, and I'm
certainly not threatening to drag down the whole party at a time when
we should be killing the Republicans.

WASHBURN: Are you referring to Senator Clinton?

OBAMA: Most certainly not. I want to bring a new kind of politics to
Washington that can reverse the polarizing atmosphere of the '90s,
the '90s, the '90s.

CLINTON: Don't bogart the time, Barack. I'd like a hit. Carolyn,
shouldn't there be some timing device to let my young friend know
when he's going over, something that would go "BONG!"

OBAMA: I know what you're doing, Hillary. I wasn't born yesterday.
She wants Americans to think I'm so young and green that I can only
run for White House intern. It would be a stain on me to sink as low as her.

CLINTON: I don't appreciate that crack. If you're going to needle me,
Senator --

OBAMA: In turn, I would like to reply that what this country really
needs is change --

CLINTON: Change is mine now, Senator Belushi. Bill and I stole it
weeks ago. Some people believe you get change by hoping for it. Some
believe you get change by snorting it. I believe you get it by working hard.

WASHBURN: Can you both please describe the key features of what you
consider to be the best education system in the world?

CLINTON: Well, I know that some of my supporters have been spreading
gossip that Senator Obama loves the madrassa system for pre-K through
terrorist training camp. But there is not a gram of truth in those
accusations. We shouldn't inject intolerance into this race.

WASHBURN: I would like to talk about the Peru free trade deal that
was signed on Friday. You both missed the vote.

CLINTON: Oh, Barack should take that one. His views on Peruvian are
positively flaky.

OBAMA: You're the flaky one, Hillary, backing up the president when
he wanted to rush into Iraq and wage this trillion-dollar war.

CLINTON: It's no wonder you didn't want to go into Iraq, Barack.
There are no free bases there.

WASHBURN: All right, you two. We're out of time. Have a Merry Christmas and --

CLINTON: And I am sure that Senator Obama is dreaming of his usual
White Christmas. Hitch up the reindeer!

WASHBURN: As I was saying, a Happy New Year.

CLINTON: He gets no kick from Champagne ...