REHAB FAB: GO EARLY, GO OFTEN

Not long ago, a well-connected and fit young friend told me he had spent
July at the Silver Hill clinic in New Canaan, Conn., because he'd been
drinking too much. My reaction to his news wasn't great concern. It was
more like "So who was there?"

I mean, talk about your red carpet rehab. Silver Hill is where Nick Nolte
went a couple of weeks ago, after being arrested on suspicion of driving
under the influence in Malibu, Calif. And Billy Joel, Mariah Carey, Michael
Jackson and Liza Minnelli have also been patients at the $1,200-a-day
hospital with gym, gift shop and easy access to Metro North.

Forget Jivamukti Yoga classes or zendos. They're as over as sweat lodges
and EST seminars. These days, you're nobody unless you've been to rehab.
Not just any rehab, of course, but one of the chic clinics that carry the
prestige of both an Ivy League university and a Four Seasons resort.
There's Silver Hill, Hazelden, Betty Ford and Promises, in Malibu, which
has taken in Matthew Perry, Andy Dick and Christian Slater, among others.

"I am one of those people who has no idea what to do with myself when I am
not busy," Ben Affleck told Entertainment Weekly last year, after a Las
Vegas bender that ended with him checking into Promises. "And as a
consequence I end up getting into trouble." Not to mention magazines that
let him use his actor's charm to explain himself.

But then, in a culture where to be a private citizen is to be irrelevant,
being publicly penitential may be the 13th step in rehabilitation from drug
and alcohol abuse. I admit my powerlessness over using my addictions to
advance my career.

"I once thought about writing a book called `The Minibar and Me,' " David
Hasselhoff says in the current issue of TV Guide. After guzzling himself to
unconsciousness last summer, Mr. Hasselhoff checked into the Betty Ford
Clinic, which allowed him to keep shooting his "Baywatch: Hawaiian Wedding"
movie between recovery meetings.

These days, it seems celebrities are going in to get clean as regularly as
some elderly women go in for a wash and set. Most look fabulous coming out.
Liz Taylor met her seventh husband, Larry Fortensky, at the Betty Ford
Clinic. Aaron Sorkin, the "West Wing" creator, in rehab twice, just won his
third Emmy.

Talk about re-hab fab.

"There's a whole sober clique in L.A.," said an entertainment industry
publicist who used to see lots of hugging, networking and deal-making at a
star-studded A. A. meeting in Beverly Hills. "When people hear you've been
to Promises, their heart goes out to you and they want to help. But hey,
it's a competitive town, and you've got to do what you've got to do."

Substance abuse isn't funny, of course, and neither is clinical depression.
Noelle Bush, daughter of Jeb Bush, the Florida governor, being caught with
drugs while in rehab isn't funny. Robert Downey Jr. destroying his talent
isn't funny either.

On the other hand, if a rehab-itue' like Matthew Perry renews his "Friends"
contract for $24 million after a round of rehab in February 2001, are we
supposed to be all that distressed for his welfare?

Am I making too light of all this?

"Hey, don't get so philosophical," said M. J. Kelli, a talk-radio host in
Florida, who maintains a "Stars in Rehab" Web site (www.starsinrehab.com).
"It's just good old-fashioned Hollywood dirt."

Mr. Kelli created his Web site last summer, when so many stars were going
in and out of rehab that he was confused. "I needed some kind of map to
help me keep track of them all," he said. He gets enthusiastic e-mail
messages from around the world.

"If you know how I could make some money with this, let me know," he told me.

I don't know about his Web site. But if Silver Hill had a benefit talent
show with its alumni once a year, maybe it wouldn't have to charge so much
for a stay.