HEY, I'M NOT THAT STUPID

It's time to talk about something that's lots more interesting than the
upcoming boring election that has me Zzzzzzzzzzzzing off. Instead, let's
talk about drugs.

If you've heard about a guy named Donovan No Runner, then you know he got
busted a couple weeks back for marijuana possession. Donovan has a medical
problem. Bipolar something-or-other that I don't know anything about - but
Donovan's doctor does, which is why Donovan gets to smoke marijuana
legally, but I can't. I may be crazy, but nobody's been able to prove it.
But he's got a pot prescription from a doctor who says Donovan needs it to
keep his bipolar thing under control.

The SLO Police Department said screw that noise. They took it and charged
Donovan with misdemeanor marijuana possession. Donovan got mad. Then he got
a lawyer. Then he set up a tent and camped out on the SLO County Courthouse
lawn in protest. Then he had his day in court.

Defense attorney Lou Koory said the cops had to give it back. The District
Attorney's office grumbled. State law says so, said Koory. The DA said,
well ... um ... and Judge Barry LaBarbera agreed with Kroory. Give it back,
next case.

Donovan is still waiting. The cops said nope, nope, no dope for Donovan.
How come? Because federal law says it's illegal. The cops say if they give
it to him, they could face "federal sanctions." Translation: They could be
arrested by the feds for possession - and we certainly can't have cops
arrested for being like the scumbag dope dealers they're supposed to arrest.

This, of course, is all very stupid. Proposition 215 got passed a couple
years back, legalizing medical marijuana. The people have spoken. State law
allows it. The California Supreme Court upheld it. The DA said, well ... um
... yeah, state law says that, so we can't argue otherwise, even though
we'd really like to arrest doper Donovan and throw him in jail for
flaunting his drug use under this phony-baloney "law" that the idiot people
allowed and the liberal moron court upheld, the fools, how could they have
done such a thing? What's next? Medical heroin for hemorrhoids?

The deputy DAs and their boss, Gerald Shea, won't say so, but that's
exactly what they think. It pisses off the cops, too. Come on - they're
supposed to arrest doper Donovan druggies, not give them the stuff.

LaBarbera said do it, dammit, and he used to be the district attorney,
remember? The cops stalled. They said Donovan's marijuana is at the lab, so
they can't give it back right now. Standard procedure, be back sometime
soon, we think, you never know, things get lost. Then they fumed some more
until someone came up with that federal statute thing.

"Your Honor," they told LaBarbera, "if it pleases the court, we
respectfully request and very much hope that you'll fall for this absurd
reasoning ... "

They want him to reverse his decision because they don't want SLO Police
Chief Jim Gardiner arrested for dealing. It would be simply terrible if Jim
had to wear an orange jumpsuit and spend his retirement in a crummy jail
cell beneath the spacious office he's occupied all these years.

So now there's a hearing set for next month. The DA will lay out this line
of blather to LaBarbera. But the judge is no dummy. He knows what's going on.

So do I. Maybe I'm just and ignorant shredding device, but I've never heard
the cops say screw state law, we don't care what those dimwitted justices
think, we're here to enforce federal law, and to hell we local
jurisdiction. But I have to admit it's a pretty clever strategy that wraps
the ropes of justice around the horns of a dilemma and keeps everyone
scratching their heads. What to do? State law, federal law - it's all so
confusing, so they'd better just keep the pot at the lab until the judge
sees the light or a higher power intervenes, and too bad for you, Donovan.

Wait - I have the solution. It's simple.

Although the thought of having the SLOPD arrested for dealing dope is both
pleasurable and hilarious (and unfortunately unlikely), they needn't worry.
All they have to do is tell the Drug Enforcement Agency to stop by so they
can dutifully hand the stuff over to the proper authorities. Then it really
would be a federal issue - and Donovan, under federal law, would have no
more case and on more marijuana, even if the Surgeon General wrote him a
prescription.

But then poor Donovan would be camping out in protest until the Drug War
ends sometime during the next 500 years. So instead, the cops should just
take Donovan's dope out of the file cabinet that's next to the coffee pot
and hand it to the DA as evidence. Then the DA can go to court and hand it
to the judge so LaBarbera can more closely examine the evidence, and he can
then hand it to Koory who can hand it to Donovan, who can then meet me
behind the courthouse, and then everything will be just dandy and we can
all go home and ponder which sitcom to watch on Election Night.