COURT HAS GIFTS FOR PARENTS WHO GAVE KIDS BONGS

Thanksgiving hasn't yet arrived, but I just couldn't wait to warm the
cockles of your heart with this perky holiday story.

So grab a cup of hot cocoa (don't forget the peppermint stick) and
light the gas fireplace.

As we begin, please think of Jimmy Stewart, the sentimental dad in
"It's a Wonderful Life," only make Jimmy Stewart a pothead.

Today's story is about a suburban mommy and daddy who gave their kids
some special gifts:

Bongs for Christmas.

"Yes, it's sick," McHenry County State's Atty. Gary Pack told me
Wednesday. "But it's true. We've got two parents here who gave bongs
to their kids for Christmas. I can't believe it either. But it happened."

During a police drug raid last year at a Crystal Lake home, police
found a veritable head shop of pipes and paraphernalia. They also
discovered some happy holiday photos of the delighted teenagers,
unwrapping their new bongs under the Christmas tree.

The parents, Robert and Theresa Dolin, were sentenced last week after
pleading guilty to charges of contributing to the delinquency of their
teenagers.

Under the plea agreement, Robert Dolin, 48, will spend the next 15
weekends in jail. Theresa, 37, will submit to regular drug testing and
perform community service, and the entire family will sit through drug
awareness lectures together.

They might even have enough time in there to learn the obscure verses
to Christmas carols adopted, unfortunately, by crazed potheads,
including "Good King Wenceslas."

They'll love the part where they get to the Feast of Stephen.
Mmmm.

I had no idea what a "bong" is, but finally found this definition on
the Internet.

Bong. (n) A water pipe that consists of a bottle or vertical tube
partially filled with liquid and a smaller tube ending in a bowl, used
often in smoking narcotic substances.

According to sources that asked not to be named--they plan to lie when
their own kids start asking questions--a bong is used most often in
the smoking of marijuana.

Most parents, even parents who feel guilt about experimenting with pot
years ago, know enough not to give bongs to their children for Christmas.

What if the kids wanted an electric hookah instead? Wouldn't the
parents feel stupid, giving a matched set of boring old bongs? I know
I would. Feel stupid, I mean.

"It just startled me," Pack said. "What kind of example do you set for
your kids? It's hard enough being a teenager without your parents
helping you to become a drug addict."

And, if you buy them bongs for Christmas, what can you possibly get
them in the future?

"Yeah, what's next?" said Pack. "A gift certificate for a rehab
center?"

Or, perhaps, some cash for their next bond hearing, or, better yet, a
bail bondsman's card. Imagine the family around the tree, like the
Waltons, with some of the Osbournes mixed in.

Kid Pothead: "Gee Dad? My own bail bond card? Grandpa, did you see what I
got? Thanks, Pop! You're the best dad in the whole wide world."

Dad Pothead, in a cardigan sweater, smoking a pipe like a '50s sit-com
father: "OK, Scooter, but remember, son, use it responsibly. And don't
spill bong water on your mom's shag carpet, OK?"

Mommy Pothead: "Scooter? Promise me one thing."

Kid Pothead: "What, Mom?"

Mommy Pothead: "Promise you won't put wine in your bong. Promise?"

Kid Pothead: "Aw, OK, Mom. Jeepers."

Grandpa Pothead: "Hey dudes! Check it out! Santa scarfed all the brownies!"

Please understand that I am not advocating pot use, or any other funny
substances, so don't send me angry letters. And I don't want any angry
letters from potheads either, especially from potheads who want pot
legalized.

If you want to relax, drink single-malt scotch, like the rest of us.
It's more grown-up and doesn't compel you to search out the fudge
brownie sundae at Denny's.

When I first read the Bongs for Christmas story in the Northwest
Herald it intrigued me, especially the quotes attributed to Judge Ward
Arnold.

He lectured the Dolin parents, who stammered that they were trying
hard to be a good mommy and daddy, and that they were sorry about the
pot and bong thing, dude.

"What's next?" Arnold was quoted as saying. "Are you going to raise
your kids to be bank robbers? ... For crying out loud. You went to
college for four years. What college did you go to--the college of
smoking marijuana?"

What college was that again?

Later, I asked Pack, as state's attorney, what he thought was the most
heartwarming part of this Christmas story.

"The heartwarming part? It's the part where they got caught."