READERS FIND BONG IGNORANCE HARD TO INHALE

Today, readers have their say, through e-mail, letters and, in one case, a
special message that came in over the phone.

Your column [Thursday] on the goofballs who gave their kids bongs for
Christmas gives new meaning to that old Christmas carol that goes, "Tiny
tots with their eyes all aglow." And don't tell me you didn't know what a
bong is. Bill D.

In your column you said, "I had no idea what a 'bong' is." Then you said
you finally found a definition on the Internet. All I can say is, "Who you
crappin'?" Frank M., River Forest.

I am not an angry pothead. But if you didn't know what a bong was, you
shouldn't have written about it. You portray people who smoke pot as
food-crazed morons. That IS NOT THE TRUTH! I'm going to relax now, and I'll
have one of your "single-malt scotch, like the rest of us," and if I have
time, maybe I'll beat up on my boyfriend. Loosen your tie, Grandpa Kass.
Katie K., Chicago.

This reader called me, and, boy, was she angry:

John? I did not care one whit for your column on the bongs. Your snide and
sarcastic references to the past were not amusing. Mom.

What a comedown from a Mike Royko to a puke-faced moron like you. It is so
easy for you to take potshots at marijuana smokers. I just love you
alcohol-soaked white trash running your mouth about someone else's buzz. If
there were more of us and less of you, this would be a better place to
live. So take your single-malt scotch, your guns, your SUVs, your idiot
children and @#$%* {circ} * {circ} ( {circ} )-#@-! Name withheld by request.

Why don't you rent the movie "Reefer Madness" made in the 1930s that
portrays marijuana as an evil hallucinogen, since you share the same
misconceptions about the drug? I know many responsible adults--even
presidents of billion-dollar companies--who smoke marijuana. WAKE UP! Phil
H., Corporate America.

Don Wade on WLS-AM questioned your claim of ignorance as to exactly what a
bong is. I was willing to believe you, except that later in your column you
use the term "bong water" in proper context. So, what does the columnist
know, and how long has he known it? Tim Bonge, South Haven, Mich.

Yeah, right! You have no idea what a bong is . . . and Clinton didn't
inhale. Mike K.

Dear IDIOT. Keep your mouth shut when you don't know what your [sic]
talking about! Pot is good for you. I think the best present you could get
would be drug-related items, and knowing your parents are there for you NO
MATTER WHAT! I wish my parents gave me a bong. Christopher S.

My friends call me "Captain Gullible." But I did want to get one thing
straight. You really did know what a bong was, right? OK, stop rolling yer
eyes, fer cripes sake! Jim J.

I assume you must have kids because that is the only reason I can think of
that would make you say, "I had no idea what a 'bong' is." Come on. You're
not that innocent. Joe S.

I take exception to a recent article about a couple of Illinois Republicans
and their $2 whores in Costa Rica. You said politicians spend our tax money
"like drunken sailors, until it comes time to actually spend [their own]
money like drunken sailors." I don't particularly care for politicians. But
I spent 18 years in the U.S. Navy. What about all the drunken newspaper
columnists and editors? Can you pick on them awhile? Eric O.

I loathe the entire dental process too. I once went to the dentist while in
high school and had 13 cavities. I'm a teacher and hadn't been to the
dentist in five years. So I made an appointment with a "sedation dentist."
I take Valium and Vicodin before each appointment. I am now a model
patient, and I LOVE going to see her. Sedation Dentistry. Just a thought.
Donna M.

I'm an actress and model and a psychic also. I need help with my pets. I
have one husky and two wolf hybrids. The wolf hybrids started to fight so
bad they almost killed each other. And the young one, I cannot for the life
of me train her not to go in the house. Boy, I got problems. Can U please
help? Also, you can see my pics on my Web site. Rose.

On those VIPs who got discount insurance from Near North Insurance Co.,
they must have felt a little like walking out of the washroom at a fancy
restaurant with a long piece of toilet paper stuck to the bottom of their
shoe. Richard T.