ASA THE TERRIBLE

Asa Hutchinson's appointment to a high post in the new Department of
Homeland Security won't scare any terrorists, but it's got a bunch of
us homelanders spooked.

Even more of a chicken hawk than his commander-in-chief, Asa has never
been one to go in harm's way to engage the enemies of his country. He
carefully avoided military service when he was of age, enlisting
instead in the ranks of the Christian soldiers at Bob Jones
University, where interracial daters were the most dangerous enemy.
His BJU training doubtless sharpened a distaste for people with dark
skins and peculiar creeds, but not to the point of taking up arms. A
person could get hurt.

No, Asa's belligerence has been channeled toward his fellow citizens -
liberals, Democrats, minorities, anybody who doesn't share his
fundamentalist religious beliefs and right-wing political views. He
tried to overthrow America's last elected president-elected with a
big boost from dark-skinned voters, significantly - and he's sicced
federal agents on cancer victims who sought relief from intense pain
by smoking marijuana. He has a high threshhold for other people's suffering.

Like the terrorists, Asa is a furious hater. No woman scorned ever
hated Bill Clinton as much as Asa does. (Not that Clinton scorned very
many.) He resembles terrorists too in his disdain for civil liberties;
the Taliban has as much regard for probable cause and presumption of
innocence. If this is President Bush's motive in appointing Asa - the
old set-a-thief-to-catch-a-thief ploy - the appointment comes nearer
making sense. Still not near enough.