THE MOUSE THAT COUGHED -THE SAD TALE OF STUART LITTLE, POT ADDICT-

We were all shocked when disclosures were made that the CIA promoted
the sale and distribution of crack cocaine in minority neighborhoods.
How low can a government sink?

Today's announcement of the untimely death of Stuart Little tells us
just how low. Unknown to many, film star and celebrity mouse Stuart
Little worked his way through the Actors Studio by moonlighting at
UCLA as a laboratory mouse. In later years Stuart's agency, William
Morris, hid the tawdry details of Stuart's early efforts to survive in
Hollywood. They also hid the fact that Stuart had participated in
government research on marijuana which resulted in a life long addiction.

Seeking answers about the new super pot sweeping the nation,
government scientists were determined to quickly ascertain just how
dangerous the potent marijuana was. Research on human subjects was
initially tried but the subjects were uncooperative spending their
afternoons in the laboratory watching cable television and using the
lab microwaves to heat various snacks. With results lacking to prove
harmful effects on humans, researchers sought out cooperative mice.
Stuart was an early volunteer.

The mice were not told just how strong the marijuana was. Miniature
smoking apparatus were prepared along with samples of Purina Bud Chow
which was supplemented to the mice diet. High doses of Oregon "Blue"
bud were provided Stuart and the other mice who were maintained on a
steady diet of 100-200 grams per day estimated to contain a minimum
THC daily dose of 25,000 mg.

Of course Stuart got hooked. Fortunately for Stuart he was not one of
the mice chosen for autopsy but his 12 week experience with daily
marijuana use changed his life forever. He seemed to blossom at first,
starring in a number of movies loved by children and adults as well.
His performances convinced Rex Reed, noted critic that Stuart was the
mouse equivalent of Chaplin and Keaton combined.

What Reed and the rest of us didn't know was that the government had
addicted Stuart to high grade pot. Without a daily dose Stuart's tail
wouldn't curl and his pads hurt. At first, friends at the studio
insured that Stuart would have his daily supply which didn't appear to
alter his performances. As his addiction worsened, however, his
friends couldn't find enough high grade to keep Stuart going. There
were repeated incidents of retakes made necessary from Stuart's
frequent coughing bouts from Mexican brick weed. Stuart's personality
began changing and his behavior became increasingly erratic.

Stuart Little claimed privately that his use of marijuana was strictly
medical. Unknown to most, Stuart grew up in a rough neighborhood in
Altoona, Pennsylvania where feral cats terrorized the mouse
population. "It was a veritable mouse pogrom", said Little. Suffering
from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Stuart found that marijuana
initially had calming effects. These effects soon turned to odd
hallucinations closely resembling schizophrenia. One incident, covered
up by sympathetic reporters, reportedly involved Stuart's arrest in a
North Hollywood bar where he was dressed as Minnie and was accompanied
by former puppet actor "Pookie" of Soupy Sales fame.

Stuart's demise came last Saturday during a flight from Burbank to
Fresno, California where he was scheduled to open a new Toys R Us
store at the Gary Condit Plaza Mall. Stuart and friends were having a
wild party with government marijuana smuggled to the actor from NIDA
labs in Mississippi. While cruising over Bakersfield at 25,000 feet
Stuart became convinced he could glide into Fresno on his own power.
Ripping the tablecloth from the private jets dinner table, Stuart made
an unauthorized exit from the jet. He is seen here in his last
photograph plummeting to earth where he landed horribly in a Kings
County cattle feed lot. Stuart will be missed. It goes to show that
mice and marijuana don't mix.