ALL STRESSED-OUT

Heart to Heart

Dear Heart: I've been living with my boyfriend for three years. He smokes
marijuana several times a day, every day. At times, it's stressful and
frustrating to be in a relationship with someone who has an addiction. I
absolutely do not want to leave him. I love him and his family very much
and feel extremely guilty at even the thought of leaving.

Is an ultimatum the only solution? How much time should I wait? What
are my options? Am I foolish for staying?

- - Needy in New York

Dear Needy: Everyone makes foolish mistakes. A fool is one who continues to
make the same mistakes over and over again despite the negative results.
Treatment is the only solution in which I would invest. An ultimatum,
extended professionally, is called an intervention. Get in touch with a
treatment center and discuss the possibility of doing a family intervention.

If you would have written to me three years ago and I suggested you
spend the next three years of your life being frustrated and
stressed-out waiting for an addict to change, what would you have
thought of my advice? I would have never suggested that because I am
no longer a fool. I stopped waiting for the world to change and
because of it, I changed. I'm an alcoholic who hasn't had a drink in
over 15 years.

Life is frustrating and stressful enough. At least you are thinking
about leaving and, to me, that seems like the most sane thought you're
having at this time. Managing your misplaced guilt would be easier and
more productive than accepting the existence you tolerate now.