I LOVE BILL HICKS

Is it me, or is the war on drugs just silly? There are only advantages to
legalizing drugs (and not just marijuana, but things like speed, MDMA,
cocaine, heroin etc.). And there are only disadvantages to keeping illicit
narcotics illicit.

I call this "The Prohibition Effect" which comes from the amendment to ban
the sale of alcohol. When alcohol was illegal crime ran rampant and
criminals became extremely wealthy. And wealth, in turn, influences
government. So we would have criminals moving our legislation in directions
that would most benefit them.

Prohibition was a campaign to impose morality on the citizenry of America.
It is not the government's responsibility to dictate morality to its
citizens. In fact the only real institutions that implement morality as
"party line" are the various organized religions across the globe. Because
there has been a long history of the separation of church and state in this
country, drugs should be legalized.

It isn't just the dissolution of the criminal element that would benefit
United States, but think of the boon in capital. A heavily regulated and
taxed industry would keep the products clean and the dosages would be
monitored. The "War on Drugs" is a drain on our economy, so let's turn that
frown upside down. Not only would we not be wasting money on a fruitless
endeavor, we would turn it into a profit. We could pump this money into
education, urban development, decreasing the budget deficit and destroy the
enemies of the United States.
A terrorist can't blow up a plane if he's chillin' eating Twinkies. Or you
could try addicting whole populations of the third world in order to impose
your will with less resistance. It is capitalism at its finest (SCREW YOU
HIPPIE!) in spite of it actually supporting liberal interpretations of our
personal freedoms. We should have the right to harm ourselves if we so
desire. If the government really cared about keeping us healthy, they would
pay our medical bills, socialize medicine (like most every other
industrialized nation) and ban food advertising. Besides the people who
wish to use drugs may have personal problems or live in social and economic
conditions not conducive to happy living. No one can tell another person
how to live their life or how to express their pain. If the only means of
means of coping with their situation is a pleasurable distraction then do
the humane thing and let them do what they want. Come on, if you do enough
living you're going to die too. So, in fact, life is a terminal disease.

And then there are stupid people who decide on things without really
thinking them through.

Wouldn't it be grand if we could come up with something to help wipe out
the weak-willed idiots of America? Oh, wait a minute, it's called heroin! I
have no sympathy for burned-out supermodel rockstars with lots of money who
think they've got it bad. Commercials work on many people and if hard-drugs
were advertised like alcohol think about how beautiful the utter
destruction of the Stupids would be. You would never be cut off in traffic,
or be asked how much the 99 cent movie rentals are, or how late a
24-hour-a-day Wal-mart will stay open.

Ultimately, the legalization of drugs would make ardent capitalists and
weed-smoking hippies come together in an unholy union. Free money AND free
love? Who knew it was possible? And don't forget the virtual disappearance
of gang-related and drug-related violence. America would finally be a safe
place for children to grow up and become productive ... junkies.

Rom Hashemi is an editorial writer whose column appears on Thursdays.