DO SUVS FUEL TERRORISM?

Like a subversive anti-drug campaign from the U.S. government last year, an
American environmental group has created similar ads, ridiculously placing
much of the responsibility behind terrorism on SUV drivers.

According to an American protest group, driving an SUV fuels terrorism. Gas
profits incurred by corrupt oil companies in the Middle East are used to
blow up buildings, build secret weapons of mass destruction and pay Osama
Bin Laden's utility bills. SUVs consume more gas than most vehicles,
therefore SUV drivers are mutually responsible for the plight of the Persian
Gulf--and perhaps the world, should war break out. Fuel-efficient
automobiles, like Echos, require only enough gas to support small-scale
terrorism, and at present do not pose a significant risk. SUV owners are
clearly undercover terrorists.

Likewise, according to the Bush administration in the U.S., drug users
foster anarchism. Profits incurred by corrupt drug dealers are used for the
aforementioned expenditures; therefore junkies and stoners provide important
terrorist support whenever they purchase their illegal substance of choice.
Drug users are not interested in getting a fix. Instead, when a drug
transaction is made, the buyer has only one thing on their mind: "Can I
trust this dealer to donate these funds to terrorism?" Honest dealers are a
serious concern among druggies.

This type of logic is a great way to determine who is at fault for the
world's problems. Child labour? Gap shoppers. VLT addiction? Convenience
store patrons.

Obesity? Farmers. Drunk driving? B.C. voters. Destruction? Drivers and drug
addicts. Obviously it isn't the terrorists who are personally responsible
for their actions. Factory owners employing children are mere puppets of the
fashion industry. Gamblers would donate their money to charity if it weren't
for stores with VLTs. McDonald's would serve healthy food if cows were hard
to come by. Terrorists would turn into peace-loving hippies if they weren't
endorsed by drug dealers and SUV owners.

Isn't it obvious?

The American anti-terrorism campaign is revolutionary. Who cares about the
environmental effects of fuel emissions? The important problems created by
drug use are not health or lifestyle related after all. This discovery will
undoubtedly lead to societal reform as thousands trade in their SUVs for
Jettas and crack-heads turn in their habits to disconnect Bin Laden's
electrical supply. Where will he hide now? Saddam will go bankrupt when gas
sales plummet, and weapon manufacturers will be out of work. The war against
terror will soon be won.

So please sell your Envoy. Stop shooting up, or at least find an ethical
dealer. Together we can make a difference.