A CLEAN HALF-CENTURY OF CHEEZ WHIZ!

Life was a lot different 100 years ago. Back then, only 14 percent of
American homes had a bathtub. The average worker earned 22 cents an
hour. And 90 percent of the doctors had no college education - but you
could buy marijuana, heroin, and morphine at the corner drugstore.
Come to think of it, that's not such a big deal. You can buy all that
on the corner right this minute, and you don't even have to go inside
a store to do it.

A hundred years ago the first World Series was played, Sanka was
accidentally created when a shipment of coffee got drenched in sea
water, and helium was discovered, without which there would be no
Goodyear blimp, no balloons on the ceiling at children's birthday
parties, and no parents at those parties doing bad Mickey Mouse
imitations. It was also the year Henry Ford talked 11 investors into
forking over $28,000 to start the Ford Motor Co. so he could put out
the Model A, which he sold for $850. Plus tax, transportation, and
dealer prep, of course.

Now, 100 years later, you can walk into a showroom and buy a 3-ton car
based on an Army tank that has a name your mother would wash your
mouth out for saying. Yes, it's the Hummer 2, and for only $50,000 you
can be the first one on your block to have a car that can cross a 20-
inch deep stream, climb over boulders and logs, and go up a 60-degree
grade, mighty handy when you're circling the Ikea parking lot looking
for a space while getting a whopping 10 miles to the gallon.

Even 50 years ago, life was very different. A house cost $17,000, you
could mail a letter for three cents, Playboys were being stuffed under
mattresses for the first time, and we were fighting with North Korea.
(OK, so some things don't change.) Innovations included Saran Wrap,
Sugar Smacks, Swanson's TV dinners, and Irish coffee, all American
icons. And, of course, Cheez Whiz.

I know it's hard to believe, but until 1953 cheese came in hunks, not
jars. Then Kraft changed the face of bad nachos by developing a
"pasteurized process cheese sauce" that remained semiliquid at room
temperature. France gives the world a reported 365 cheeses while the
best we can offer is American cheese, Velveeta, Cheez Whiz, and Easy
Cheese, the silly string of the dairy world that shoots out of a spray
can.

Turns out that Cheez Whiz is more than just a bright orange substance
that drips off your 7-11 hot dog while gluing your tongue to the roof
of your mouth. It's actually also a handy grease-stain remover. It's
true! According to Joey Green, author of the book Clean Your Clothes
with Cheez Whiz, the product's natural enzymes cut through grease, so
if you put a little bit on a grease stain, let it stand for five to 10
minutes, then put some salsa and jalapenos on it, voilA!, you have a
serving of denim nachos that would make Martha Stewart jealous.
(Actually, she's already tried them, and she prefers chintz.)

So yes, life is different now. Ninety-nine percent of our homes have
bathtubs. It costs 37 cents to mail a letter. And most of us earn
enough money to keep us in laundry detergent so we don't have to
resort to Cheez Whiz. Now if we could only do something about this
North Korea thing.