IF YOU WRITE A COLUMN ON DRUGS, THE TERRORISTS HAVE WON

January 30, 2003 - This is Heath. This is the column that Heath wrote on
legally prescribed vicodin. This is the pharmacist, who sold Heath the
vicodin, who is addicted to prescription drugs and who kills and eats
Christian babies and engages in deviant sexual acts while in the throes of
a codein bender. Prescription drugs. Harmless? Not likely.

I know, I know, Russ Fagaly wrote a column on the antidrug pregnancy ad.
The bastard may have beaten me to it, but I am taking it to the next level
-- writing it on drugs. No, no -- ON drugs. Granted, vicodin is legal and
yes, I have a legitimate reason to take it (back contusion equals lots of
pain), but that doesn't diminish the effects of the drug.

Is drug use a good thing? Probably not. Will a joint destroy your life?
Yes. And the lives of innocent families with cute kids and puppies that are
mutilated by devilspawn like yourself who degrade themselves and society in
a hazy, sinful cloud.

Did you know that Satan actually enters the body through marijuana
cigarettes? It's true. And the best way to keep your kids out of Satan's
clutches is to keep them far away from drugs, his natural vehicle into the
soul. The surest way to do this is to keep open lines of communication and
a high level of trust between you and your child. One strategy: spying.
Absolutely. There's nothing that says "I love you" like keeping tabs on
your child, their friends and their friends' parents, and occasionally
rooting through their room and berating them for drugs, paraphernalia and
pornography found.

In fact, go ahead and throw out that crap about communication and trust.
That's bull. The experts agree. Here's an excerpt from a response to a
distressed parent on theantidrug.com who suspects (without evidence) that
her child may be on drugs:

"I think your instinct to not trust your child completely is right."

And really, what could be worse for a parent than making a teen think they
are trusted? Nothing. The key is this: Get remote cameras that cover the
entirety of the house, bathrooms included (you do love your children, don't
you?). Then, while your children sleep, slip a tracking device into their
purses/wallets. Finally, whatever friends you think are doing drugs, kill
them. My advice: fill a syringe with enough heroin to put down a small blue
whale, find the suspect companions and OD them. That way, you not only
knock down a major obstacle to your child's sobriety, but you also send a
message about the dangers of drug use.

And don't listen to these hippie-types decrying the extreme tactics
necessary to combat teen drug use. Honesty: the antidrug; I think not.
Haven't you heard? It's a drug WAR, not a drug drum circle. And, while it
may seem like Vietnam right now, just like that war all we need is more
manpower and a commitment to win at all costs, even if you have to kill
your children to stop their drug use. It's called tough love.

Politician of the Week: This week's winner is Drug Czar John Walters for
his fearless promotion of antidrug ads. Walters didn't let things like
facts or honesty get in his way, nor did he spare any taxpayer expense (the
campaign cost hundreds of millions of dollars). It is this kind of
dedication that makes antidrug and abstinence campaigns so effective. For
his vigilance, Last Dance in Dumbtown hereby awards Walters the "Just Say
No" award for his brave fight in the War on Drugs, and a twelver to
celebrate. Congratulations.

* HEATH DRUZIN thinks this rambling, almost cogent tract is about as good
an antidrug message as any. Clarity: the antidrug. If you are too high --
or too sober -- to understand the point of this column, please adjust
accordingly and read again and then send responses to hddruzin@ucdavis.edu.