HOMEGROWN HYPOCRISY

I am supporting terrorism right now.

Actually, I'm not supporting much of anything. I've taken Sudafed,
Robitussin, Tylenol, Ibuprofen, Nyquil, Nyquitussin, Sudanol,
Ibubileprofequil, and maybe even an aspirin. I'm drinking orange juice
faster than an alcoholic widower at a wedding's open bar. At this stage,
I'm lucky if I can support my own body weight. Goddamn flu.

And all my drug money is helping terrorism.

Obviously, I'm being facetious. The drugs I cited above as well as the
drugs I made up myself are all legal, available at your local Harris
Teeter, where the money will go not toward supporting terrifyingly inhumane
acts against civilians but toward fireproofing the snack aisle. Though I'm
starting to think Sudafed should be illegal. As the kids say, "that shit
fucks you up."

It is illegal drugs that have been singled out and associated with
terrorism under the latest ad campaign by the White House Office of
National Drug Control Policy, which has come under fire recently for
dropping $3.4 million for two thirty-second ads during the Super Bowl. This
sets some kind of record for the most money blown by the government on one
ad, though I'm sure they spend as much each year on toilet seats alone.

What is disturbing is not necessarily the amount of money spent but the
commercials themselves, which have fostered an ongoing debate on just how
cutthroat you have to be in order to tell kids to drop that doobie. The
previous ad campaign, waged in the waning years of Clinton's second term,
featured celebrities, musicians, and others telling kids to stay off drugs.
It was harmless, inoffensive, and completely ineffective.

The current ads, however, are darker and much more controversial. Several
of them mention death, many mention terrorism, and almost all of them
directly display the consequences of illegal drug use. Teenagers are shown
being surprised and arrested. Professionals are confronted with the
specters of victims of terrorism and drug violence and asked about their
harmless habit. A kid in his dad's room accidentally fires a gun while
high, ensuring that the commercial will piss off just about everybody: the
pro-gun, the pro-pot, and the pro-keeping-kids-the-hell-out-of-your-room.

No one is really sure just how effective this campaign will be, but I have
to believe that it's an improvement-in efficacy, at least-over the last
anti-drug campaign. The equation of drug money with terrorism does seem to
hold water. Some of the most dangerous nations to visit as an
American-Colombian Afghanistan, and, uh, Afghanistan-are heavily involved
in the drug trade. It is ignorant to believe that the drug market isn't a
source of funding for anti-American organizations in those countries,
especially when the return is so disproportionately large compared to the
investment. Resolved, then: drug money supports terrorism. Of course, let's
be specific here-Afghanistan and Pakistan are involved in opiates; Colombia
and Bolivia are involved in coca; much of the marijuana sold in the U.S.,
on the other hand, is grown right here at home. As recently as 1997, in
fact, weed was the fourth largest cash crop in theU.S., and the largest
revenue-producing crop in ten states
(www.norml.org/index.cfm?Group_ID=4444). Meanwhile, the largest foreign
supplier of marijuana to the U.S. is Mexico-not a state traditionally
associated with anti-American terror
(www.usdoj.gov/dea/pubs/intel/99025/99025.html).

The other accusation is that marijuana is, to quote the ad, "not as
harmless as we thought." I appreciate the irony of having
flower-children-cum-marketing-executives telling my generation, in faux
California drawl, "Look, when we were smoking pot, it was okay, it was
cool, man, but you guys, you guys, gotta keep your heads up out there, eh?"
I don't think it'll suddenly stop a bunch of kids from hotboxing their
mom's Monte Carlo, but maybe it'll make them think about the sleazeball
they buy their controlled substance from.

The problem I have with the campaign is not that it insinuates that drug
money supports terrorism, or that it displays incredible hypocrisy toward
marijuana use. Rather, the ads themselves are so shamelessly propagandistic
that they could be used to induce vomiting. The TV commercials themselves
are practically parodies. I don't know much about marijuana (though I can
tell you a lot about Nyquil), but there's no way in hell I believe that it
leads to pregnancy, as is insinuated in one memorable clip. Marijuana does
not lead to unprotected sex. Marijuana leads to Cheez-its. And there are
actual print ads (all these ads can be seen at www.mediacampaign.org/mg/)
which are propaganda against anti-propagandists. It all reeks of
doublethink. For the more mundane ones, the message seems clear: evil
people do drugs, and if you do drugs, you'll be in trouble. To burn
millions on advertisements which threaten kids and adults with vague,
heaven-sent punishments isn't American. To paraphrase one Homer Simpson,
it's not even Mexican.

The unfortunate part about all this is that the drug control office is
damaging its already wounded credibility. The "emotionally charged"
campaign against teenage and adult drug use may work well against some. But
it's just as likely to make others flinch at the horrifically unsubtle
advertising, which brings to mind posters of Lenin and Little Red Books.
For all the patriotism lately-in word and act-it seems depressing that the
United States of America is still trying to scare its own citizens.

And there's really no reason to resort to this-in all honesty, if the drug
control office wants to really scare kids away from drugs, tell them a
little about the job application process and the inevitable pee-in-a-cup
drug test that everyone requires nowadays. Better yet, pull out ten of the
dirtiest, stankest, bloodshot stoners and ask them questions about current
events. If the kids still want to hang out with someone whose response to
any political issue is giggling hysterically and making a peace sign, well,
we've done all we can. OTHER FACTS ABOUT MARIJUANA: Marijuana makes you
think that the conversations you are having are "deep." In fact, this is
not the case.

* Marijuana may cause you to believe that Phish is actually playing music.

* Marijuana causes you to think that tuna fish and peanut butter is an
optimal combination.

* Marijuana (in combination with tequila) may cause you to vomit off the
side of a house on 15th Street.

* Marijuana may cause you to be very skeptical (one might say "paranoid")
of government anti-marijuana ads.