HONK IF YOU REFUSE TO SUCCUMB TO SUV GUILT

Honestly, if I didn't already own an SUV, I'd go out and buy one. While I'm
at it, I might grab a Big Mac and fries, shoot a deer and run over a war
protester.

Not because I love SUVs, but because the recent Kafkaesque assault on SUV
drivers has just about exhausted my legendary sensitivity reserves.

First it was the "What would Jesus drive?" campaign, positing the notion
that SUV-driving is a sin second only to stoning pregnant rape victims.
Next Arianna Huffington - columnist, author and FOH (Friend of Hollywood) -
produced a series of anti-SUV ads playing off anti-drug commercials in
which teens admit to helping terrorists by smoking pot.

In Huffington's ads, supposed SUV drivers - soccer moms and the sort - look
into the camera and deadpan phrases such as: "I helped hijack an airplane,"
"I helped blow up a night club," "I gassed 40,000 Kurds." In other words,
people like yours truly are guilty of aiding and abetting terrorists.

Now, Matt Lauer, co-host of NBC's "Today" show, has outed himself as a
guilt-addled SUV owner during the show's weeklong exploration of the
nation's gas-guzzling problem. As he introduced recent guests, Lauer
impersonated a man thinking and mused:

"While it's great to haul my son's junk around, am I using more than my
fair share of the precious fuel that's available?"

The segment included Robert Kennedy Jr., senior attorney with the National
Resources Defense Council, and Sam Kazman of the Competitive Enterprise
Institute. Kazman's group was identified as receiving some of its funding
from the auto industry, while no mention was made of Kennedy's funding
sources and donors, but you can guess they don't belong to the vast right
wing, which, as everyone knows, supports war at any cost so long as the
United States gains dominion over Middle East oil reserves.

Credit goes to the always-alert Media Research Center for noting Lauer's
unequal treatment of his guests. Meanwhile, America is left in reality
limbo: Will Matt give up his SUV? Will he share with us when he does? In
keeping with "Today's" probing tradition, will we get to watch?

Huffington is ahead of the game in moral one-upmanship. She's already shed
her Lincoln Navigator and drives one of two other cars parked in her
driveway - a Toyota Prius and a Volvo wagon. To her credit, Huffington
rejects any claim to being holier-than-thou.

"I connected the dots late," she said. "This is why I want to help other
people to connect them."

While it's inarguably true that SUVs use more gas than some other cars,
there's a problem with what's otherwise trying to pass for high-minded
logic. Most people who drive SUVs don't drive them solo, but pack them with
kids. In other words, they carpool, which saves gas, right?

Furthermore, what uses more energy: An SUV that gets filled up once a week?
That would be mine. Or a Brentwood mansion with electric gates, such as the
one in which Huffington lives?

I don't resent rich people. In fact, I aspire to be one, find them useful
to the economy and prefer their parties. But I do resent when other people
insist that you ascend to their higher moral ground just because it makes
them feel better.

The truth is I don't like or need my SUV any more and plan to get rid of it
as soon as I find someone newly emerged from a coma. When I bought it seven
years ago, I lived "out." Our dirt driveway had a habit of washing away
when it rained. I had boys and dogs and happily hauled dirt, fertilizer and
sacks of compost. I'm over it.

We moved back to the city. Our driveway is paved, our dogs fewer, the kids
are grown, and I walk to work. (Yes, Jesus walks with me.) Until I can
wrangle a trade-in, however, I do not feel guilty about my SUV, which sits
in our driveway wishing that it were younger and more attractive - a Toyota
Prius, perhaps - living behind locked gates.

As for the pot-smoking/terrorism connection, by the way, I doubt potheads
are supporting much terrorism related to drug trafficking these days.
There's probably more marijuana being grown between Tallahassee and
Thomasville than seeps across our national borders. Too bulky.

But smoking weed does make you stupid, kids, so stop it. You're going to
need your brightest lights to see through the murky cerebral emissions that
pass for thinking these days.