EXCUSES FOR FAILED DRUG TESTS HARD TO SWALLOW

THERE are two types of people who fail drugs tests: cheats and bloody fools.
I don't really have much time for either. Just about everyone who gets
busted comes up with some kind of whingeing excuse -- someone spiked my
drink at a party, I didn't read the label, it was just something I took for
my cold. Please sir, I'm not really a villain, I'm just a bloody fool.
Pardon me for withholding my sympathy.

Shane Warne is the finest spin bowler that ever drew breath, a marvel, and
it has been wonderful to watch such a talent. But he failed a drugs test. He
awaits the finding on his second sample. He says it was a pill he borrowed
from his mum to reduce the puffiness in his face. The story involves
stupidity and vanity in equal measure and it is unlikely enough to be true.

Mind you, Ross Rebagliati, the Canadian snow-boarder, failed a drugs test
for cannabis after he had won an Olympic gold medal. He gave the unlikely
explanation that this was the result of passive smoking. Bizarrely, the
Olympic officials swallowed that story and he kept his medal, but it
certainly gave the world a good belly-laugh.

People are always coming up with reasons why they should be let off after
failing a drugs test. Andreea Raducan, the Romanian gymnast, tested positive
at the Olympic Games in Sydney. She was only little, it wasn't her fault, it
was monstrously unfair. I had some sympathy for her, but not with the loss
of her medal. It was the team doctor who was the bloody fool in this case.

I don't know why people bother to make all these excuses, because no one
believes them. Professional athletes are responsible for what goes into
their bodies. That's the way sport is these days. There is no point in
thinking that just a little bit won't hurt. If you take a chance with some
pill or other, then it's your own silly fault when you get caught.

Wiser not to swallow anything dodgy. Sport -- and the society in which sport
takes place -- operates on the assumption that there is not much that can't
be improved by the right drug at the right time. Not looking your best,
Shane? Swallow one of these, you'll look great.

Bloody fool.