POT SUPPORTS TERRORISM

A new string of commercials from the Office of National Drug Control Policy
has proven that the drug marijuana is responsible for suicide bombings and
impregnating 12-year-old girls.

"As you well know, Jon, there is a clear link between marijuana and
terrorism," said national "Drug Czar" John P. Walters. "Is it any
coincidence that high-quality marijuana is known on the street as 'bomb?'
Well, I have news for our nation's teens: Bombs kill people. If that doesn't
spell terrorism, then I don't know what does."

To illustrate these points, the ONDCP has released commercials that show the
dangers of marijuana, including a series on terrorism titled "Drug money
supports terrible things."

The link between marijuana and terrorism was discovered last year when the
Pentagon revealed that Osama bin Laden masterminded the Sept. 11 attacks
while "baked out of his mind." Since that time, marijuana has been linked to
suicide bombings in Israel, poison-gas production in Iraq, an overall rise
in evildoings, Satanism and a large earthquake in Chile.

But the dangers of marijuana are not limited to the international community.
The drug is also responsible for a host of domestic problems as well,
including a general shortage of Pringles potato chips at the 5th and Ivy
Market in Chico.

One commercial, named "Pregnancy," shows a young couple checking the results
of a home-pregnancy test. The text reads, "There will be an addition to
their family soon. Their lives will change dramatically. They will be the
youngest grandparents in town." The screen then flashes to the couple's
daughter, sitting on the bathtub. A voice says, "Smoking marijuana impairs
your judgment. It's more harmful than we all thought."

"That commercial is the biggest piece of (expletive) I have ever seen," said
Smoky McGee. "It makes it look like she got knocked up for having sex with a
blunt or something."

He later added, "Dude, she had to be drunk."

Another commercial named "Drive-Thru" shows a car pulling up to the window
at a fast-food restaurant. The passengers are giggling as smoke rises from
the windows. Upon realizing they have no money to pay for any food, the car
speeds away, colliding with a young girl on a pink bicycle. The text reads,
"Marijuana slows your reaction time. Harmless?"

"Slows your reaction time? ... uh ... I take it back. This is the most
screwed up commercial I have ever seen," said McGee, organizer of the hippie
war protest at Chico State known as "Body Odor for Peace." "Stoners don't
get baked and go to the drive-thru anyway -- they order pizza."

Several moments later he added, "Dude, they had to be drunk."

There has been no data to prove whether these commercials are deterring
marijuana use. However, it has been reported that upon viewing one of these
commercials, a marijuana user will laugh so uncontrollably that his friends
will skip his turn to hit the bong. And that, said the ONDCP, is a start.

"If we can cause just one drug user to smoke less marijuana -- even if it's
by getting them to laugh at our ludicrously unrealistic commercials, then we
have done our job," said Walters, the director.

The Orion obtained an exclusive copy of one of the newest commercials to be
released this summer, titled "Cheesy Poof."

In it, a young man sits in a smoky room, laughing as he munches on a bag of
Cheetos. He then begins to cough uncontrollably as he signals to his throat.
The screen goes black as you hear a dull "thud." The text says, "Marijuana
can give you the munchies, which will force you to eat Cheetos, on which you
will choke and die. Harmless?"