DEA RAIDS TAKE WAR ON DRUGS TO HIGHER LEVEL OF ABSURDITY

On Monday, Attorney General John Ashcroft and the Drug Enforcement
Agency drove the war on drugs headlong down the nonsensical highway,
leaving puffs of tyrannical smoke behind them. Across the country,
federal agents served indictments against a new, incredibly dangerous
group: Glass blowers and distributors. The danger, of course, is to
any pretension of Ashcroft's sanity. Among those raided in the
operation, sardonically named "Operation Pipe Dreams," were a number
of local merchants, chief among them Higher Source, a store on 13th
Avenue.

These raids were spurred by Ashcroft's Monday morning reinterpretation
of federal law, wherein he determined that water pipes are "illegal
drug paraphernalia." Water pipes can be used to smoke marijuana, so to
Ashcroft, that's all they are used for. Which is of course, untrue.

One can smoke flavored tobaccos through a bong, like a glass artisan's
hookah. Actually, many locations that sell (sold?) water pipes include
information about the benefits of using them for tobacco (it reduces
tar and particulate matter, which is likely a reason some people use
them to smoke marijuana).

Ashcroft will have to wait for court decisions to know if his
frightening reasoning will hold. Federal law is not nearly as clear as
the attorney general that just because an object can be used to
consume illegal drugs, the item itself is illegal. Federal law is also
not clear that he gets to decide this all by himself.

Of course, to make his case, Ashcroft relied on silly propaganda about
families and the Internet. Kids can go on the Internet and buy pipes!
Families are being violated! Run for the hills!

Remarkably, Ashcroft's virtual concern for children's safety doesn't
prioritize sites selling prescription drugs illegally, or child porn
sites, or anything else illegal. Instead, he valiantly closes down a
successful, taxpaying business providing jobs to Oregonians. Go figure.

Speaking of the economic impact of Monday's action, will someone tell
us why the government is wasting money on this? Aren't there real
security threats to worry about, schools to fund, jobs to create and
an ever-expanding national debt to pay off?

Perhaps the worst part of this cartoonishly surreal turn of events is
how completely impotent Ashcroft's action is. Getting rid of expensive
art glass isn't going to stop anyone from doing drugs. (Focusing on
harm reduction, education or rehabilitation might have an effect, but
just try telling that to this administration.)

Finally, we were concerned that the raids missed some demonic drug
paraphernalia. We humbly offer a memo to remedy the situation.

To: Atty. Gen. J. Ashcroft

RE: Overlooked drug conveyance systems

Dear Ash-inator,

We know it wasn't intentional, but a large amount of illegal drug
paraphernalia was missed Monday. As a favor, we have compiled a list
of items regularly used for ingesting drugs (or so we've been told)
and ask that you indict the distributors as soon as possible.

Obvious paraphernalia: Lighters (especially with telltale burns on
them), matches, rolling papers, soda cans, mirrors, razor blades,
straws, empty pen tubes, apples (really, any hard fruit can be a
pipe), aluminum foil, toilet paper tubes, scented dryer sheets (a
residence hall staple), paper clips (used to clean pipes), fish tanks
(makes a really cool bong, bro), any kind of spoon (you're not
overlooking heroin, are you, Ashcroft?) and finally, when in a pinch
in the woods -- hollowed-out logs.