'TRAVEL TIPS' HOSTED BY COLIN POWELL

We are all very aware of the fact that spring break is looming on the
horizon. It is waiting patiently to relieve us from our academic woes,
procrastinated paperwork, and mundane midterms.

Well my little buddy Secretary of State Colin L. Powell took it upon
himself to provide the Rebel Yell with vital spring break information for
those of us traveling abroad. So let's play the pretend game. I don't know
about you but my loving parents are filthy rich and so (because I'm their
special little guy) I get to go to (foreign country) this semester, and man
am I going to get wasted as soon as I step off that plane.

I don't care how much alcohol I drink, or drugs I do because I'm an
American citizen, and that means I am a part of the greatest nation in the
world.

We are unstoppable!

Well unfortunately I am an idiot and wrong, so very wrong, for 2,500
American citizens are arrested in other countries each year. Half of these
international party animals are jailed on charges of narcotics, including
possession of very tiny amounts of those lovable illegal substances. The
drugs that might be lawful for Adolph Jr. in Germany might be the same ones
that will get Saddam Doe arrested in Saudi Arabia. Not all convictions have
a direct relationship to narcotics; however great sums of them are provided
from disorderly and reckless behavior that is an obvious consequence of
alcohol abuse, or boozing it up if you will.

So screw it, as I previously stated, I am an American and the whole world
fears and respects us, so even if the rookie cop on the force does make a
mistake and chuck me into jail. After I get off the phone with my boy the
U.S. Consular Officer he'll get me out so fast that I won't even have to
beg for my life from foreign jailed gangsters.

Unfortunately for our imprisoned chum the U.S. Consular Officer can only do
so much.

Who can visit us in jail, after being notified of our arrest?

Give you a list of local attorneys because our government can't attest...
The U.S. Consular Officer, the U.S. Consular Officer can cause he mixes it
with love and makes the world taste good... The Candym... I mean the U.S.
Consular Officer cannot unfortunately do much for you except be a messenger
between you and the states, and provide you with any and all vital
information. So if you are caught buying, selling, or carrying items
ranging from hashish to heroin, marijuana to mescaline, from cocaine to
designer drugs like ecstasy you might be looking at any and or all of the
following fearful four.

Interrogation and delays before trial, basically being treated like a caged
animal in primitive settings for shits and giggles.

Lengthy trials, don't tell me we all don't remember how god awfully long
the O.J. Simpson mass media blitz trial was. You may be subject to weeks,
months, or life in prison where it isn't like our cushy American prisons,
but with lashings and ungodly hard labor.

Finally of course is the death penalty.

Now here you might think we are over exaggerating but certain countries
like Malaysia, Pakistan, and Turkey are a little more strict then the slaps
on the wrist that we are quite accustomed to.

Well now that we know not to be revved up like a deuce, another runner in
the night, what could possibly be any available precautionary measures?

I'm glad you asked.

First things first.

Apply for passports and any necessary Visa's early in advance.

This will get your mind all hot and bothered for the place you are
vacationing or studying abroad at and so then you can move on to step 2
which is learning about the place you are going to visit. Imagine being the
only fool to go to Mexico and not have the very critical advice to not
drink the water.

Wishing to give a local merchant a high five and them believing you wish to
murder them and their family.

All of this and more is avoidable when you do some simple research.

A helpful tool provided by our government is a consular information sheet
that gives you the run down on vital information. For instance, where the
U.S. embassy is so you know immediately where to run to when the angry mobs
are in hot pursuit. Definitely consult your school if you are one of those
lucky bastards that get to study abroad.

Now all of this takes another direction if you are traveling alone, and
especially if you are a female roaming exclusively. No disrespect to any
gals out there, but what you wear around campus or at the club would in
other countries be a calling card saying, "Hey look at me, I'm a dirty
hooker and I wish to engage in all kinds of crazy intercourse!" This, of
course, brings me to the major point of why to never really travel alone.
It is for fear of the terrible two, robbed and/or raped.

It is recommended that ladies wear wedding bands even if single to dissuade
the many dirty predators of all shapes and sizes.

Also when the guy really needs you to come over into the dark spooky alley
for some reason or another,I'd recommend against it.

For the most part Colin Powell just wants you to avoid being an idiot.
Colin Powell cares because when you screw up you make him look bad, because
he went to all this trouble putting together pamphlets and what not and
here you go still making mistakes.

I on the other hand do not wish to hear on the news for days on end about
how you decided to make a couple bucks running an unknown bag through
customs and are now getting bamboo chutes shoved under your fingernails by
fat sweaty foreign guys named Tiny and Biggie Smalls. If you are one of the
lucky few that do get to leave this country during its ongoing woes for a
week, do us all a favor and even though it isn't test time, please use your
brain, or we'll kill you.