MARIJUANA AD CAMPAIGNS LESS THAN INTOXICATING

So you're sitting in the den with your buddy, getting blazed. Now if you're
like the majority of potheads, you get giggly, hungry and start playing
with firearms. Lord knows every day at 4:20 all my stoner friends break out
the 20 gauge and look down the barrels while listening to Hendrix.

Well, at least that's the impression I'm getting from the fine people at
the Partnership for a Drug-Free America and the Office of National Drug
Control Policy. Well, "fine people" might be stretching it. They're
actually condescending assholes. They operate under the (unfortunately
true) premise that Americans are so stupid that as long as there is high
production quality and something shocking at the end of 30 seconds, they'll
believe every damn word you say.

As you've probably surmised, I'm referring to the new super-duper
"Marijuana ... harmless?" and "anti-drug" campaigns. They're swell. Maybe
you've seen some of the spots on television. If not, you should definitely
check out the profound logic and thorough research also used in such grand
films as "Reefer Madness."

Now, let me make one thing clear before I launch into my heated invective.
While it will surprise none of you that I am very much in favor of the
decriminalization of marijuana, this fact is not the motivation behind my
uncontrollable rage.

I have no beef with the government trying to keep little tykes away from
dangerous substances, be they coke, alcohol or windshield wiper fluid.
That's fine by me. I personally would never suggest that anyone use an
illicit drug, especially not a minor. It's in the best interests of all
people that children grow up healthy, without chemical dependency. And if
the best way to keep Americans healthy is a massive, expensive advertising
campaign, then so be it.

Now bear in mind, reasonable people do not lump pot in with actual drugs,
but for the sake of conciseness, we'll pretend it's deserving of as much
negative attention as meth.

My major concern, however, is that since approximately $3 billion have been
spent on PDFA ads alone, maybe there should be actual information relayed.
Instead, it's been blatant examples of bullshit. It's the kind of stuff you
pull in school when you draw a parallel between the class' subject matter
and the fact you brought "Fight Club" on VHS for a group presentation.

So, my argument is that while the ONDCP can go ahead and keep cranking out
promotional material, they ought to be, at minimum, honest.

Now, that said, this new saturation of propaganda sucks worse than having a
horrible surgical mix-up where you end up with the head of a Lego man.

At first I thought the creators of these commercials had to be closet
stoners who were making the ads so purposely outlandish the whole thing
would backfire. That was the only way this could make even a bit of sense.
Then I found out some of my friends' parents are actually falling for this
tripe and using it as evidence when lecturing their offspring about drugs.
It was upon this irrefutable evidence I realized Americans really can be
idiots; my very moral fiber impelled me to make some constructive ruckus.

I'd like to start by pointing out something that appears to be escaping a
few people: These omnipresent TV, radio and print ads geared toward teens
don't actually refer to the dangers of marijuana itself (the ads designed
for parents do slightly better). They sometimes have to do with violent
drug dealers, unprotected sex and driving while intoxicated; but weed is
mere background.

The closest to achieving the goal of honesty is one entitled "Four
Cigarettes." It refers to the fact that the amount of tar consumed when
smoking one joint is tantamount to smoking four cigarettes. This is true.
Smoking is very, very, very bad for you. You should stop now. But once
again, this isn't directly addressing marijuana, just the act of smoking
it. The entire argument is negated by someone who gets high off weed brownies.

However, the remainder of the ads for teens recall a time of sensationalist
stories of the insanity, promiscuity and violence elicited by the evil
"marihuana."

Teetering between obnoxious and infuriating, one particular commercial
entitled "Couple" actually has the repugnant audacity to imply that girls
who smoke weed are putting themselves in a position to be raped. While
being intoxicated may make it harder to fight someone off you, there is no
excuse for implying to a teen she is ultimately responsible for being
sexually assaulted.

Maybe some of the ridiculous amounts of funds given to these campaigns
should go toward preventing date rape instead. That strikes me as slightly
more pressing than some girl smoking a joint to make watching "Ren &
Stimpy" a little more interesting.

Reaching unparalleled levels of ridiculousness, the ad I loathe the most is
the one I cited at the beginning called "The Den." Two kids get high, talk
about stupid crap and then play with a gun. When one idiot kid inevitably
shoots the other, it somehow proves marijuana is bad. What I find
superlatively more dangerous is the idea of leaving a loaded gun somewhere
your moronic kid can play with it.

I could go on for hours about the fallacious logic of all of the ONDCP and
PDFA propaganda, but it would get redundant. Instead, I'd like to proffer
up an alternative.

As much as it pains me to assist these bastards in defaming an innocent
little plant, I still think keeping kiddos off drugs is a noble crusade.
Accordingly, I suggest an ad campaign that shows the actual consequences of
marijuana. No bizarre scare tactics, no unfounded melodrama.

The ads should show kids sitting on a couch for hours on end, eating junk
food and getting fat. Our society despises fat, wouldn't the prospect of
gaining weight be truly fear provoking for American teens?

Showing real repercussions, the commercials might feature a kid so stoned
and lazy he completely ignores his girlfriend's amorous advances. Point out
to those idiot teenage boys that weed might actually lower the odds of them
getting laid. If anything was ever persuasive, this would be it.

Those are just two options. I can already picture a dozen guys looking at
their bongs with new skepticism. These ads should be aimed toward kids who
are actually at a risk of using drugs, not at their already law-abiding
parents and goody-goody little sisters. Somehow, though, despite my
vigilance and creativity, I doubt the idiotic ads will subside with
anything other than time.