JUST OFF THE TURNIP TRUCK: TESTING FOR PURITY

Is it possible to amend the state constitution so that the legislature will
meet every ten years?

If this could be done the public would be protected from the idiotic and
mean-spirited proposals put forth by legislators on the eve of a new session.

A ten year interval between sessions would give citizens almost a full
decade between outbreaks of moronic behavior. The latest bad idea is a
recommendation that all TOPS students be required to take a drug test. This
is consistent with the thinking of those who want to use drug tests to
crack down on high school students. Last year they selected jocks and kids
in extracurricular activities for close scrutiny. I object.

It makes no sense to me to go after the best and brightest of our high
school students.

Those pushing this flagrant invasion of privacy defend the procedure on the
grounds that these youngsters will be getting state money to attend college.

If that's true we can forget about the right of privacy in the New American
Empire of the Never Setting Sun. Constitutional rights no longer count for
diddly squat. Since self-incrimination of those receiving public money is
now one of the "New Freedoms," let's go all the way with this concept and
require any person serving in the legislature or seeking a seat in Baton
Rouge to take a lie detector test which will evaluate the probity of the
candidates. There is no need to create a permanent state agency to
administer the tests.

We can borrow some Egyptian and Jordanian facilitators from John Ashcroft
and Donald von Rumsfeld. The Winning Team "outsource" their more important
interrogations to these guys, because they have a well-earned reputation
for getting to the truth. Provided below is a list of questions for
prospective candidates for the legislature. The proper answers, "Y" or "N,"
will be enclosed in parentheses. 1. Are you now or have you ever been a
user of cocaine? (N) 2. Have you ever proposed or voted for something
stupid such as term limits, school vouchers, or unwise tax cuts? (N) 3.
Have you ever voted for a bill because one of your major contributors
wanted you to vote for it? (N) 4. Are you opposed to increasing funds for
public education, even though you criticize the quality of the state's
educational system? (N) 5. Have you ever pulled strings to get a worthless
brother-in-law or good-for-nothing son a state job? (N) 6. Have you ever
benefited from inside trading or a "sweetheart" business deal because of
your position or family ties? (N) 7. Have you every promised to cut taxes
and at the same time improve state services? (N) 8. Did you ever volunteer
for active duty when the U.S. was at war? (Y) 9. Have you ever voted for a
bill that would result in monumental damage to the environment because you
think economic considerations are always more important than the
environment? (N) 10. Have you ever voted for Draconian drug laws and
against funds for the treatment of drug users? (N) 11. Have you ever used
race baiting code words and phrases such as the "bloc vote," "busing," or
"law and order" to attract the yahoo vote? (N) Be warned that tests do have
their limitations. Sociopaths and dedicated liars can fool lie detector
machines, and, alas, candidates who tell the biggest whoppers often stand
the best chance of doing well in elections. Nevertheless, a quiz properly
administered, would at least eliminate the garden variety liars.

We shouldn't expect scores of 100% from the candidates. After all, there
are times when we expect politicians to lie, no, we beg them to
prevaricate. I am thinking of those who want to believe politicians who
claim that the primary beneficiaries of vouchers will be the iddy biddy
kids from inner city schools. Now, that's a whopper!