Part 2 of 2

REFLECTIONS FROM A DRUG DEALER

How do you rationalize selling drugs?

What is somebody with mental illness supposed to do, live on the fucking
street and eat out of the garbage? I found my way to survive. I'd rather do
something that's illegal than live on the street and be homeless.

I can't afford the medical care and all the medicine I need to take care of
myself. I'm trying to get on Social Security. I'm trying to get Medicare so
I can pay the $3,500 a month that I need to take medicine to make my
chemical imbalance straight.

But how am I going to do that? For the past two years I've been going to
therapy and paying for my medication, and drugs pay for it.

Do you realize if I worked as an honest legitimate man, I couldn't afford
to pay for smack? I couldn't afford going to see my shrink. I couldn't
afford the medication I need or for the lab work I need to have done to
make sure all the levels are right on my medication. That's $400 a pop
right fucking there.

I imagine a lot of people would be upset knowing a drug dealer is receiving
government money. Do you accept it now?

Not right now, I'm about to. But then, I'm about to quit using drugs also.
My therapist is trying to get me on Social Security. I've finally, for the
first time in my life, been able to get on my medication that I'm supposed
to be on and have been going to my therapy appointments and have been
working hard and doing all the shit I need to be doing. All Social Security
is going to do for me is allow me to do that without selling drugs.

And on top of that they're going to pay for me to go to school. I took a
bunch of tests and I guess I'm smart enough to go to school. I'd like to
go. And I'm going to rehab, and I'm on a waiting list. And they think it's
pretty neat they're getting to rehab a drug dealer, too.

I'd like to become a better person just like everyone else. I want to help
people. I want to do good things. I want to go home from work and feel good
about myself instead of feeling like I'm a piece of shit when I go to bed
at night.

If you were on Social Security would you be dealing?

No.

Does your therapist know what you do?

Oh God, yes, of course she knows. I don't lie to my therapist. I feel that
if I lie to her I'm not gonna get better, because I'm not being honest with
her. And I think she kind of likes it. It's different to her. She works
with a lot of people who have mental illness and are poor or homeless and
can't take care of themselves.

And she's really intrigued with the severity of my mental illness - how
I've been able to keep my head above water. She doesn't agree with it, but
I think she's impressed by it. And I think she's a little enamored with it.
It's kind of Tony Soprano-ish. Except that I'm not as cool as he is. And my
therapist isn't as hot as his.

Once you're through with therapy and rehab, you're not gonna use?

You know what? Later in my life I may sit down to the occasional joint. It
won't be every other day, it won't even be every other week. Right now I'm
every fucking day all day long. It will never be like that again.

I'm going to go to rehab for eight to 10 months, and I'm not going to do
any drugs or alcohol for a year after that. I might even try to quit
smoking cigarettes. I don't know.

We're going to see how quitting the other things go. I'm gonna start moving
forward, trying to make myself better.

Do you feel like the current approach to fighting drug laws is working ?

In some aspects yes, but in others, they have their heads in their asses.
As far as setting up on the border and checking everything that comes
across, that's very smart. Money well spent. Or education in schools about
drugs to children, I think that is also money well spent.

But in all honesty, they could alleviate a lot of problems by just
legalizing marijuana. And they could even make money on it and go in to
kick the ass of the drugs that really matter. But I don't want to advocate
marijuana. I don't think that's appropriate.

Do you advocate alcohol?

I advocate marijuana more than alcohol.

Do you feel, in part, responsible when you see your friends delving deeper
into drugs?

Lets talk about friends first. A drug dealer has a lot of fucking friends.
Everybody's your friend until you don't have any more drugs. You have about
a handful of motherfuckers for drugs or not for drugs that are your
friends. If you're smart, you can tell the difference. Sometimes it's very
hard because people are very deceitful.

I don't really see that someone could have much of a drug problem with
marijuana. I think you can, but I wouldn't worry about it half as much as
someone who's starting to get into crank or coke on a heavy basis.

As far as me feeling bad or responsible for that, no, I don't. I wouldn't
allow my friends to get there. And I've even turned down good friends of
mine for weed because they were trying to quit drugs and I wanted to help
support them.

Just because I sell drugs, when it comes to my friends, I'm not just about
the bottom line and the profit. If I have a friend who's starting to quit
smoking marijuana, I'll even go as far as to not smoke around them and pat
them on the back and congratulate them.

I have several friends who have quit drugs who I've supported. I think I
might be an exception. Maybe a lot of drug dealers wouldn't have that same
attitude. I don't know. But maybe they would. Drug dealers have friends,
too, and drug dealers have a heart.

Does it offend you that people may think of you as just about the lowest of
the low?

Yes.

Why?

Even though I do something illegal, I do have a good heart. I do care about
people and my friends and my family. I don't feel like I'm taking advantage
of people.

I'm not proud of what I'm doing here, and I don't think I'm the shit. I
don't think I'm a big deal or any better than anyone else. I think I'm a
piece of shit when it comes right down to it. I feel embarrassed and
ashamed of what I do. I used to be proud of it. But now it's just what gets
me by.

I think people think we're just taking people off the street and tying them
up with rope and injecting them with shit so the next day they're gonna be
addicted to it, and they'll give you all their money.

It's just not like that. Not in my world anyway. Basically all I do is I
have a bunch of potheads who want to get high. Nobody's making them do
something they don't want to do. Maybe it's not the best choice for them,
and maybe I am having an influence on them doing it because I'm providing
it. But I don't feel real guilty about that.

What kinds of precautions do you take?

I don't know if some of my precautions are paranoid or not. I don't give a
fuck if people think they are or not, they're my precautions. I've gone
through like four dealers already who have gotten busted. And it's because
they're not as cautious as me.

I'm very cautious about people who come in to my house. You never fucking
know. In that sense, I feel like I have to treat people very respectfully.
If I treat them very well, maybe they won't say my name if they get popped,
hopefully.

I hear from a friend of mine who works in a prison that all the drug
dealers who are there are there because somebody ratted on them. So my
day's probably coming.

How long do you want to stay in business?

I'd like out right fucking now. Completely. How long am I going to stay in
it? I don't have any clue.

What do you want people who hear this, to get out of it?

I'm not advocating this lifestyle. I'm not advocating selling drugs. Am I
trying to make everyone like drug dealers? No, I don't give a fuck if you
like me or not.

The point I'm most interested in understanding doesn't even have anything
to do with drugs, but the situations some people are put into that force
them into a lifestyle like this. There should be health care for people
with low funds who have severe problems so that their only option isn't
selling drugs to survive.

It's funny that you're gonna be taking your article home and showing your
mom and dad and saying look, I wrote an article that got a lot of response.

And I'm going to take it home to show my mom and dad and say look, I'm the
drug dealer.