LYSERGIC FREE-FOR-ALL AMUSES RESIDENCE

Tales surrounding Burwash Hall resident Matthew Clark's recent acid trip
are well on their way to achieving legendary status in the annals of the
storied residence, say Middle House sources.

Clark, a 20-year-old fine arts student and second-floor Middle House tenant
began his hallucinogenic odyssey last Friday night by purchasing a
half-sheet of quality microdot.

Mike Kenney, a Gate House resident known throughout Upper Burwash as a
dependable source of narcotics, received a telephone call from Clark at
about 7:30, inquiring about availability of some "good acid." Within
minutes, Kenney was at Clark's door, and $40 changed hands.

Second-floor sources said at 7:45, Clark began playing Aphex Twin's Come To
Daddy at high volume on his mini-stereo, an event which likely signaled the
initiation of the trip. "Matt likes playing that album when he gets
wasted," said a resident who asked not be identified. "I mean, it's
awesome: `Come to Daddy... come, come to Daddy...' and then that wailing
synthesizer kicks in. It's fucking insane."

Clark's trip took a turn for the worse when some 30 minutes later, he
emerged from his room, glassy-eyed, the top button of his pants undone. He
walked down the single flight of stairs to the first floor, and entered the
common room where eight of his housemates were watching an episode of Friends.

"Right away, I could tell Matt was fucked," said Michael Hwang, who was
seated on the couch, nearest to the common room door. "I asked him what was
up, but he just stared out the window, muttering something about `Mr.
Sassafras.' Dude was baked."

Clark reportedly lost balance and sat down heavily on the floor, obscuring
the TV from those seated on the couch. "I told Matt there was plenty of
room on the couch, you know, sort of hint hint," said Frosh Week
co-ordinator Jenny Beales, "but I guess I didn't realize how fucked up he was.

"He turned around slowly and said he couldn't sit on the couch because `the
rotating hexagons don't want to have me up on the place in it.' That's when
I ran and got the Don."

While Beales was frantically seeking the residence advisor, Hwang tried to
defuse the tension caused by Clark's rapidly deteriorating mental cohesion.

"I asked the room at large if anyone had seen this episode before, to make
conversation. That's when Matt stood up really shakily and said, `I see it.
I see it where you push the face in and it comes out on the three sides
like you made it.' That's when I got the hell out of there."

As fourth-year residence advisor Jeff Bicks approached the room, he feared
the worst, but was prepared. "I'm an acid trip veteran myself," he said,
"and I know how freaky they can be, but a little vitamin D and some quiet
time usually chills you right out. But this Clark kid was totally gone."

After coaxing a thoroughly disoriented Clark from the common room with
promises to "take him to a safe place," Bicks lost control when Clark
snapped and bolted through the front door, screaming nonsensically at the
top of his lungs.

"Everyone ran to their rooms and looked out their windows into the quad,"
said Beales. "Matt was doing laps around Old Vic, tearing his clothes off
and wailing like a banshee. It was pretty terrifying, but also--and I
cannot stress this enough--it was hilarious."

Exhausted from his exertions, clad only in a pair of plaid boxer shorts,
Clark fell asleep in the centre of the grassy quad just after nine o'clock.
Bicks, as Don, was assigned the unpleasant responsibility of hauling
Clark's limp, sweaty, prone form back to his room to sleep it off.

The tale of the lysergia adventure is already circulating. Clark's
conspicuous absence at breakfast the following morning only stimulated
discussion of the nightmarish bender amongst his peers.

"Like the guy from North House who got caught naked in the tree with an
unfurled roll of toilet paper, Clark will join legions of Vic kids who
acted with monumental stupidity under the influence of drugs and/or
alcohol," said Bicks. "God bless them, for their stories are fodder for our
safety training courses."