WHAT TO TELL YOUR KIDS? THE EXPERTS DISAGREE

When you were 16, you probably weren't thinking about whether you'd
have a 16-year-old someday. And now that you do, if your teen years
involved any drinking, drugs, premarital sex or other, um,
extracurriculars, you probably don't want to volunteer the details of
your escapades.

But what if your child brings it up? You know, comes right out and
asks you, "Did you ever . . . ?"

That's one tough question.

Talk to a few experts and you'll get more than a few suggestions --
some of them contradictory. But here's one thing you should definitely
do: Plan now how you will respond to questions about your past. You
don't want to be caught off guard.

"At the spur of the moment, I think people just deny things right
away -- or they over-explain," says psychologist Lauren Solotar.
"And to either extreme, you can do something to the
relationship."

The first step a parent must take is to decide how much information to
share. This is the hard part. Parenting experts disagree on just how
much you should tell inquiring children about your past. Here are your
options:

Spill Your Guts

Deborah Phillips, the creator of Coach-Parenting, a set of parenting
tools and services, says you should tell all, in the interest of being
"open and honest about everything."

That means sitting down and saying "Yes, I had sex when I was 17."
Or "Yes, I tried marijuana, and here's what happened," she says.

Here's why: You don't want your children to hide things from you,
Phillips reasons, so don't hide things from them. Just tell the truth
and be willing to answer any question.

"Your role as a parent is to teach them how to make good decisions,"
Phillips says, "regardless of whether every decision you've made is
good."

Instead of covering up your past, she says, set a good example by
being truthful. And don't set limits on what you'll discuss; it only
prevents your child from asking you questions.

But no matter what you tell, Phillips suggests, keep a bottom-line
message in mind: Let your child know how you feel about drugs or sex
or whatever he asks about. Use the conversation as an opportunity to
share your expectations.

Keep Your Mouth Shut

That's the advice from Roni Cohen-Sandler, a psychologist and author
of two books about raising daughters, the bestselling "I'm Not Mad, I
Just Hate You!" (Penguin, $12.95) and the new "Trust Me, Mom --
Everyone Else Is Going!" (Viking Press, $24.95).

"Kids follow what you do," she says. "They pay attention to your
behavior more than your words. If you admit that you deceived your
parents or you lied or snuck around, you're saying this is normal --
'I did it, you can do it.' "

Parents often believe that "if they tell their kids about their past
experiences, their kids will think they're cool," she says.

That's not necessarily so. And anyway, Cohen-Sandler adds, it's
important to remember that "you're not your child's peer -- you're a
parent."

Making your life an open book ultimately hurts and confuses your kids,
Cohen-Sandler believes.

"I never want to suggest outright lying, but I think we have to have
an agreement that what I did or did not do is really not appropriate
for us to talk about," she says.

If you do talk about it, Cohen-Sandler says, you should keep the focus
on what you felt, not what you did. "You can share with your
teenager: 'I remember facing the same dilemma. I was kind of tempted,
I wanted to say no, but I was afraid I would lose my friends.' "

Or you might say, "It really doesn't matter what happened 25 years
ago. What's important is that if you do this, you're endangering
yourself, and it's too big a risk," Cohen-Sandler says.

Don't Tell All

Perhaps the easiest solution is Anne Lucchetti calls "using honesty
strategically."

Lucchetti, an assistant professor of speech communication at Texas
Christian University, says that when children ask tough personal
questions, "sometimes we have to withhold information."

But don't shut down the conversation and refuse to answer, either.
Remember that often they have a good reason for asking those personal
questions.

"I don't think the answer is what's interesting," Lucchetti says.
"It's that they asked the question."

You can turn the query around, she says, and find out why your child
is wondering about your past. Maybe she's tempted to try smoking, or
her friends are starting to have sex, and she's using the "did you
ever?" question as a conversation-starter.

Edward Christophersen, a child psychologist and author of "Parenting
That Works," agrees that parents shouldn't get carried away with
answering questions about their personal history.

"If parents didn't talk so much, they wouldn't get into so much
trouble," he says. The key is to give short answers, he says.

"Make sure what the question is that they're really asking, give them
a short, accurate answer and then wait for the kid to ask a second
question," he says.

That second question may not come.

"If the kids say, 'Did you ever drink?', you say, 'Of course we
drank, but I didn't drink much,' " Christophersen suggests -- and
then leave it alone.

"If you just stop talking, a lot of times that's all kids want to
know," he says.

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STRATEGIES FOR COPING WITH INQUIRING MINDS

Here are some tips on answering tough questions from your
children:

* If you're caught off guard: Don't snap at your child or end up
telling more than you want to. If you need some time to think -- or to
talk to your partner -- psychologist Lauren Solotar suggests this:
"That's a good question, and I want to answer it, but I want to think
about it (or talk to your dad about it) first."

* If you "didn't do it": Maybe you didn't drink, never tried drugs,
didn't do whatever your child is asking about. If your answer is no,
don't assume you're off the hook. Before you answer, think about the
message your "no" is sending.

By saying no, says Anne Lucchetti, who teaches "speech
communication" at Texas Christian University, your child ends up
thinking that you were a goody-two-shoes -- or that nobody drank, had
sex or did drugs when you were in high school. Either way, your child
will think you can't understand her life today.

A better response is to ask why your child wants to know. Respond
with, "Why? Would it make a difference if I did?" or even a teasing
question -- "What prompted that question from your curious young
mind?" -- to get your child talking.

* If you're on the defensive: Maybe you've caught your child smoking
or drinking, and his question is a challenge: Did you ever do that
when you were my age?

Brush aside the question and shift the focus back to her. You might
choose to answer -- later -- but recognize this question for what it
is: an attempt to delay or prevent punishment.

One good response: "That's not the issue here. We're talking about
you right now, and how you made a bad choice and put yourself at risk."

* If you're telling: Before you share anything, put yourself in your
child's shoes. Does she really want to know what you're telling her?
Keep your "too-much-information" radar on.

Sometimes Lucchetti's students tell her, "I asked my mom if she had
sex before marriage and she told me everything, and I was creeped out
by it."

But whether you tell everything or maintain the mystery, there's one
thing the experts agree on: Don't lie to your children.

"If you say, 'No, I never did anything,' then once they are older
they may know you lied to them," Solotar says. "And they will wonder
what other things you lied about."