MOM, DID YOU EVER ... ?

Be prepared when your kids ask the tough questions

When you were 16, you probably weren't thinking about whether you'd have a
16-year-old someday. And now that you do, if your teen years involved any
drinking, drugs, premarital sex or other, um, extracurriculars, you
probably don't want to volunteer the details.

But what if your child brings it up? You know, comes right out and asks
you, "Did you ever ... ?"

Talk to a handful of experts, and you'll get more than a handful of
suggestions -- some of them contradictory. But here's one thing you
definitely should do: Plan now how you will respond to questions about your
past. You don't want to be caught off guard.

"At the spur of the moment, I think people just deny things right away, or
they overexplain," says psychologist Lauren Solotar. "And to either
extreme, you can do something to the relationship."

The first step a parent must take is to decide how much information to
share. This is the hard part. Parenting experts disagree on just how much
you should tell inquiring children about your past. Here are your options:

Option 1: Spill your guts

Deborah Phillips, the creator of Coach-Parenting, a set of parenting tools
and services, says you should tell all in the interest of being "open and
honest about everything."

That means sitting down and saying "Yes, I had sex when I was 17." Or "Yes,
I tried marijuana, and here's what happened," she says.

Here's why: You don't want your children to hide things from you, so don't
hide things from them, Phillips says. Just tell the truth and be willing to
answer any question.

Instead of covering up your past, set a good example now by being truthful,
she says. And don't set limits on what you'll discuss; it only prevents
your child from asking you questions in the future.

Phillips suggests that no matter what you tell, keep a bottom-line message
in mind: Let your child know how you feel about drugs, sex or whatever he
asks about. Use the conversation as an opportunity to share your expectations.

Option 2: Keep your mouth shut

That's the advice from Roni Cohen-Sandler, a psychologist and author of two
books about raising daughters, the best-selling I'm Not Mad, I Just Hate
You! (Penguin, $12.95) and Trust Me, Mom -- Everyone Else Is Going! (Viking
Press, $24.95).

"Kids follow what you do," she says. "They pay attention to your behavior
more than your words. If you admit that you deceived your parents or you
lied or snuck around, you're saying this is normal -- 'I did it; you can do
it.'"

Parents often think that "if they tell their kids about their experiences,
their kids will think they're cool," she says. That's not necessarily so.
It's important to remember "you're not your child's peer -- you're a
parent," Cohen-Sandler adds.

Making your life an open book ultimately hurts and confuses your kids,
Cohen-Sandler thinks.

If you do talk about it, you should keep the focus on what you felt, not
what you did, Cohen-Sandler says. "You can share with your teen-ager: 'I
remember facing the same dilemma. I was kind of tempted, I wanted to say
no, but I was afraid I would lose my friends.'"

Or you might say, "'It really doesn't matter what happened 25 years ago.
What's important is that if you do this, you're endangering yourself, and
it's too big a risk,'" Cohen-Sandler says.

Option 3: Don't tell the whole truth

Perhaps the easiest solution is what family communication expert Anne
Lucchetti calls "using honesty strategically."

Lucchetti, an assistant professor of speech communication at Texas
Christian University, acknowledges that when children ask tough questions,
"sometimes we have to withhold information."

But don't shut down the conversation and refuse to answer, either. Remember
that often they have a good reason for asking those personal questions.

You can turn the query around, she says, and find out why your child is
wondering about your past. Maybe she's tempted to try smoking, or her
friends are starting to have sex, and she's using the "Did you ever?"
question as a conversation starter.

Edward Christophersen, a child psychologist and author of Parenting That
Works, agrees that parents shouldn't get carried away with answering
questions about their personal histories.

"If parents didn't talk so much, they wouldn't get into so much trouble,"
he says. The key is to give short answers.

"Make sure what the question is that they're really asking, give them a
short, accurate answer, and then wait for the kid to ask a second
question," he says.

That second question may not come.

"If the kids say, 'Did you ever drink?', you say, 'Of course we drank, but
I didn't drink 'much,'" Christophersen suggests, and then leave it alone.

He says, "If you just stop talking, a lot of times that's all kids want to
know."