'POT' HOLES IN AGENDA OF OUR GOVERNMENT

Fanning Flames of Marijuana Controversy

SUCK & BLOW: Somewhere between "never" and "absolutely," you will find the
federal government's marijuana policy. Nudge nudge. Wink wink.

John Manley's never touched the demon weed. Sheila Copps? Absolutely.
Chretien and Martin? Wouldn't be prudent to tell. Better to grin and joke.

"How could I vote for anybody who never smoked grass?" wonders Zonk, who's
been sneaking out to his car for two decades, and coming back way too
smiley. Pot is the common coin of two generations. Never having smoked pot
is just plain ... weird.

"I welcome our political masters' sudden interest in pot," I agree. "Let
recreational users find a comfort zone. And the rest of us? Well, we'll
need a new drug to get us out of the groan zone after the Liberals coast to
easy re-election. Have an Oreo, citizen. Go back to sleep."

"You want some?" he asks.

"No thanks," I shrug.

"Without pot, I don't know where I'd be," Zonk sighs. "I'd be workin' 24/7
at some soul-destroying job. Or maybe climbin' around canyons and have to
cut my arm off when big rocks fell on me. Better to smoke up, stay in,
catch some cartoons. Rest easy, eat a doughnut. Wait to vote Liberal."

"There ya go," I nod. "It ain't a big deal to ya it's only possession of
small amounts that's gonna be decriminalized?"

"Hell no," he says. "For big amounts, you'd need your drug stores and LCBO
in on it. There'd be taxes, cash registers, coupons, ridiculous mark-ups
and dispensing fees. You think I'm gonna pay a pharmacist $12 to sell me a
dime's worth? Liberals care about the small businessman. God bless the
little guy."

"True," I agree. "Better to buy it on the street or schoolyard. Any other
way, the whole fragile pot economy collapses. Dealers unemployed,
hydroponics stores shuttered, hydro consumption in suburbia cut in half.
Liberals create jobs. Everybody knows that."

"Plus you got your built-in quality control," he adds. "Nobody buys grass
clippings twice."

"Actually, I like the direction the Liberals are taking this in," I grin.
"A little possession is okay, but it's still illegal. You're still a rebel,
big fella. You're the wild one. If it were completely legal, how could it
still be hip?"

"I'm hoping this little bit business will extend to other areas of citizen
criminality," Zonk smiles. "Everybody can cheat a little on their taxes.
Maybe carry a little hand gun if you don't wave it around. Or while you
still can't stab anybody, you could poke yourself with a pointy school
compass."

"It'd only be a little poke," I agree. "How could that hurt anybody?"

"Different strokes for different folks."

"Abso-tootin'-lutely. And Yanks are against marijuana reform so our federal
feebs are all for it. Official policy is to piss off anybody who can do us
any good. It's in the red book."

"Have a heart," he says. "It's the only policy they got. Pot reform does
take your mind off the 70 cents dollar, downsizing, the crappy markets,
your shrinking RSP, your escalating taxes, what they do with all the money
they grabbed and why your garbage hasn't been picked up."

"Would you call it a smoke screen?" I ask.

"Course they could never make pot completely legal," warns Zonk. "There'd
be too much big money at risk. Criminal elements fighting for control, you
know. Turf wars, bike gangs and muscle. You've probably seen the shootouts
between Seagrams and Corbys in the LCBO parking lot Saturday nights."

"Don't get in the middle there, my friend!"

"Duck behind the wine displays," he nods. "Push an elderly LCBO clerk in
front of you when the bullets start flyin'."

"Remember those aluminum foil baggies you once put in my refrigerator?" I
ask, out of the blue. "That year you were so paranoid? You'd take the
elevator to a floor above me, walk down the stairwell and stash shiny
packets in my fridge."

"Oh, you mean my allergy medicine," he smiles.

"I doubt it. You were the office head."

"But you never looked, did you?" he chuckles. "Okay, they were quality
pharmaceuticals. I may have shared them. Kill me: I'm a giver."

"I feel sorry for the cops," I mutter. "With pot possession off the charts,
I bet the push is on to scoop licences off two-time drunk drivers. Forget
piddling pot fines. Bag Mr. Mumbles for Premier Ernie and M.A.D.D."

"How many four-time drunk drivers did they ever scoop?" he asks. "How many
times did anybody ask me to open my glove compartment? Never. The odds are
with ya. They're just shufflin' chairs, Dunf. Grab a seat. It's just
another ride. Open the window. Look at the scenery."

As the Roadrunner says, "Meep meep."